Notes to self

A set of reminders for a better everyday.

1.) Focus on being present in the moment . This has been a recurrent theme in my blog of late too. Learning the art of doing this from 14-month-old D.

2.) Set apart time for fitness. Work out at home, resume yoga, meditate for a while, go for a walk. Was regular with this but been lethargic ever since I got home to be with parents.

3.) Read good books. And read more often.

4.) Listen to music. Surprised that this is on the list because this is the one thing I used to do all the time. Now, though, my phone’s always on mute but I do play music in the background when D is eating or playing. But it’s mostly devotional or classical music, thanks to my family. Maybe pick different kinds of music too, so D is exposed to more variety.

5.) Mindless social media surfing needs to stop. My fingers and wrist hurt after a point!

6.) Start driving your car. Enough with the excuses and the baseless fears.

7.) Wear sarees more often, and learn to drape with more finesse. On a similar note, wear good clothes, give away stuff you don’t wear. Been doing this in regular intervals but wardrobe optimisation is a life-long process.

8.) Focus on self care. Seriously. It’s about time. Treat yourself to a good hair cut or a pedicure every few months at least.

9.) Practice patience. Easier said than done especially for someone like me who’s most impatient. But, but, I’m already doing a lot better than the last few weeks ever since I felt myself spiralling out of control. Point number 1 , aka, mindfulness, has helped.

10.) Get on top of your finances. Pending PF withdrawals, invoices, investment status, mutual fund returns, SIPs… get them all sorted one by one.

11.) Pick your projects. I’ve been turning down out a lot of work that’s come my way these days because I realise it’s not important now. Maybe it’s a good idea to say an outright No rather than reeling under the pressure once you’ve agreed to take on said work and then opting out. I want to spend more time with D. She’s my number one. Work scene seems more manageable now.

12.) Ask for help. You can’t and don’t have to do everything yourself. I can count on family and friends to help with babycare and more or just talk.

13.) Stay in touch with friends. And get out more to meet them. Also don’t shy away from forging new friendships.

14.) Do things you love. Sing, bake, cook, paint, photograph, write, work, laugh, play with abandon, with passion and zero expectations. And don’t think about how you’ll be perceived or if you’re good or bad. Treat everything as an opportunity to learn. Try it without holding back. Without seeking validation.

15.) stay grateful and positive. You are in a god place.

16.) Cut yourself some slack. It’s all right.

Why I am on Instagram

I’ve been grazing Instagram a lot lately and I have to admit that I like this social media platform. I post almost every other day and most of my content has to do with motherhood, D, and now that I’m home, snippets of our garden, my grandparents, and some glorious food which I don’t have to cook. Most of what I share are happy frames and the ones that are not so happy are usually disguised as light-hearted posts.

However, a few days back I found myself in a really dark space and I did something I’ve never done before: I vented on Instagram. I am a private person and I generally don’t like the idea of sharing too much information online but this time I was so lost and helpless that I had no second thoughts about honestly expressing how I was feeling. I got plenty of very thoughtful and supportive messages from friends and people I barely know and it made me feel secure. M completely disapproves of me doing this though. He believes that certain things are best left unsaid when it comes to social media and his view is that it’d soon become an obsession and you’d feel the compulsion to share every trivial detail of your life on a public platform. I agree with him to an extent considering I’m just as guarded about posting stuff online. Yesterday, for instance, I took down a story because M insisted it was showing D in bad light. I thought it was a funny post – irreverent but funny, nonetheless- about D’s sleepless nights but M said I was being harsh on D and it’s not ok to complain about our kid like that. Had a major argument with him and eventually deleted the story.

By now, it’s well established that Instagram holds an unswerving power over our relationship. Especially now that we’re in different cities temporarily, the stress gets to us: to me, more than anyone else. And I’m already plotting sweet revenge when I get back to Hyderabad: determined to go out and explore the city alone while leaving D with M all day. Anyway, the question is: why am I on Instagram?

The answers are multi layered. For one, I like the Instagram community, now that I’m a mom. Earlier I’d just post travel pictures and get on with my life. But now, I’ve discovered Instagram moms! I follow a lot of them for their absolute honesty, humour and no nonsense approach to parenting, for keeping it real, for normalising a lot of things like breastfeeding, postpartum depression and the hellhole that motherhood is, at times. No judgments. I also follow moms for book reccos, fun activities, toddler food ideas, and so on. More than anything there’s a sense of camaraderie, a feeling that we’re all in this together, our experiences matter and the anger, rage, irritation we feel as mothers is normal.

Secondly, I don’t have many mom friends. And I live in a quiet part of town that’s very far from where a couple of my only friends in the city live. I do not have friends in the building I live in or in the vicinity. So it’s a rather lonely journey with me staying holed up with D all day long in the flat except for walks in the park in the morning and evening. Instagram on the other hand is home to plenty of moms, most of whom I want to connect with and be friends with in real life. So I live in that little bubble when I’m home, exhausted and a little lonely.

Do I want to document my journey and D’s on Instagram? Not really. I quite enjoy sharing snippets every now and then but I’m not comfortable with the idea of flooding my page with personal photos. I used to deride moms who can’t stop sharing pics of their little ones but I kind of get where they come from, and I enjoy reading their posts so it’s all cool. Instagram captions are the new blogs, it seems like. I’m still pretty old fashioned though and prefer writing long winding articles here to posting lengthy Instagram captions. This is my safe space.

Why do I spend so much time on Instagram? The response to this is plain boring: i cannot leave D alone even when she’s asleep ( here our bedroom is upstairs so I have to be with her) during the day or night. By now you know that my little peanut hates sleeping and i have to draw the curtains to make the room pitch dark. It’s too dark to read a book. So my phone is my friend! Instagram to the rescue. Or Netflix on mute with subtitles.

One of my favourite things about Instagram is that it has helped me discover some fabulous indie brands – be it fashion, beauty, kids clothes, toys, books, home decor, food, recipes , you get the drift. It’s like Pinterest, Amazon and Facebook rolled into one. I’ll share some of my favourite Instagram brands in another post. Plus I’ve been following a lot of accounts related to fitness, food, home decor and parenting that inspire me and give me hope.

I am prone to jealousy but by and large, this community doesn’t stir up too many negative emotions nor do I feel the pressure to keep up. I look at these Instagram accounts and pages as free tools to learn new things, seek inspiration and get better. I even got interesting work opportunities thanks to the platform, so while I have toyed with the idea of deactivating my account I don’t see the need for it. On good days, I share the joy I experience and on bad days, I seek validation and support. Doesn’t seem like a bad deal at all.

New year, same me

I’m not big on New Year Resolutions, but the last year has revealed several aspects of my personality I hadn’t encountered in a long time. Anger, frustration, anxiety, also unbridled joy and love – having a baby brought a whole lot of big big feelings and emotions to the fore. So I really feel the need to sit back, take stock and put it all into writing. It’s my version of therapy. So here’s a laundry list to help get myself back on track.

Exercise

This tops the list for various reasons: I need the endorphins because baby care drives me up the wall on some days. I quite enjoy working out but haven’t done any hard core exercises so far, so this might be the year of high intensity strength training work outs. God knows I need all that physical strength and endurance. Surgery has left me with a weak back and there have been times when I’ve hurt my legs and back sleeping or just standing or sitting. I kid you not. I toss from sleeping on one side ( night time nursing is no fun but slightly bearable this way) to getting flat on my back and my body literally creaks and goes: whoa, easy there! Literally a wake up call ( pun intended). When sleeping has turned into an injury-causing activity, you know it’s time. I do not like gyms so I’m just going to resume my runs and work out at home. Any good YouTube channels and app recommendations are welcome.

Self care

I spend my day in atrocious clothes, my skin is dry and scaly (why you do this Hyderabad) and my hair is messy, wiry and has a mind of its own. My self care aspirations are hence very basic – moisturise every day, oil hair, use good conditioner, brush hair. Yes, the bar is set really low. If I manage to have a consistent night skin care regimen (cleanse-tone-serum) then I’d have outdone myself, but I’m the least disciplined when it comes to stuff like this. Moisturising seems like a chore to me, that’s like five minutes of my time I’d rather have spent scrolling through my Instagram feed. But I need to muster the self discipline to do this because I kind of care about how I look. To some extent. I’m always such a mess so it seems like I don’t give a damn but I do. So this year, I might be putting in more effort into looking like a decently turned out human being, because I don’t want to look like I stole someone else’s baby.

Declutter

I’m passionate about cleaning up and sorting out the house; I get wildly excited about it, and rub my hands in glee just anticipating the whole process. It started when I was still in school, this obsession with cleaning, sorting, purging, rearranging, and it’s still going strong. M probably thinks I display serial-killer type tendencies what with the mad glint in my eye when I talk about spending the weekend tidying up the home.

But despite this, my house is full of stuff. I can never be a minimalist because I live with a hoarder and a baby. M’s strategy involves buying anything and everything that’s on sale irrespective of whether we need it. We have multiple shelves lined with toiletries that’ll probably last us a lifetime. A cabinet full of single malt bottles. A cupboard full of glasses. A bag full of old credit cards. Drawers filled with cables, endless loops of wires, cardboard boxes, batteries, remote controls, screws. I’m perhaps marginally better, but the home decor section is my kryptonite. Can not resist pretty kitchenware, bed linen and the likes. And also cannot stop buying cute dresses for D. Time to channel my inner Mary Kondo and give away things that don’t spark joy.

This year, I vow to buy less and give more.

Don’t judge

Im prone to making snap judgments about people without knowing zilch about them. This has to stop. It might help to get to understand them better and be more accepting of different points of view. This judging thing is coming directly in the way of my other goal of making new friends and rekindling old friendships.

Nurture friendships

I really thought it’d be easy to nurture friendships but it takes effort. I hadn’t really thought of it, maybe even took my friends for granted at some point, but it dawned on me after I hit 30 that things aren’t quite the same. People change, they grow, evolve, and your friendship must provide that space for it to sustain and remain healthy. At the same time, it’s equally important to put yourself out there and connect with newer people. I thought of myself as an introvert but I kind of thrive in the company of like minded people, so I must make it a point to engage with my friends – both old and new – because it makes me happy.

Develop a hobby

Raising a baby leaves me with little time to do anything else of merit but I realise that when I’m overwhelmed, even ten minutes away from the offspring helps. So it makes sense to use my breaks wisely instead of staring at my phone. I used to be clued into the music scene, now I hardly know what’s going on or who the new artistes are, so time to reacquaint myself with new music and old favourites. I must also read more. And bake more. Do a bit of gardening. Give my attempt at painting another shot. Resume music lessons. Take online courses. Get into yoga. Or photography. Take up interesting freelance work. The key is to stay inspired, maybe D will pick up my vibe too.

Stay calm

I cannot tell you just how angry and frustrated I get if D doesn’t calm down or if she refuses to sleep no matter what I do. Most of that anger is kind of directed at myself for failing at such a simple task, and at that point it’s hard to see that I’m asking too much of a ten month old baby. It’s ridiculous. I must absolutely calm the fuck down! It’s true that as babies grow older, they feed off your energy, so it’s important that you pass on only good vibes. This year, I’m going to focus on letting go of anger, resentment and guilt, and aim to be a much calmer and positive person. Maybe give meditation a shot once again or develop my own strategies to cope with negativity. Time to get my zen mode on and be a much better version of myself this year onwards.

And you, what are your personal goals for the new year?

Your body changes and how!

I had gone to a tailor in my complex to get a couple of blouses done, and she asked me if I had a ‘ measurement ‘ blouse that she could replicate. Nope, none of the old blouses fit me now because I’m much bigger, I found myself saying, with a hint of frustration. And then it started all over again. This ache and longing to get back to my pre pregnancy body, to have a much flatter tummy, to be able to run a 5k without huffing and puffing and giving up midway.

My body has changed in more ways than one would imagine and adjusting to what is now the new normal takes tremendous effort. It helps that I’ve always been a fashion disaster because my wardrobe is full of clothes twice my size; I preferred loose clothes over snug fitted ones as i valued ( and still do) comfort over style, plus hiding food babies is much easier when you wear larger clothes. So while I still fit into most of my pre pregnancy outfits, it’s not the same. Clothes are tighter around the waist and shoulders now, and eight months post partum, my stomach is very prominent, and I feel like I look low key pregnant.

It’s hard to find time to exercise with a baby in tow that one has to manage without ‘the village’. It’s just M and me with D at home, and my day is jam packed with more important things such as nursing D, cleaning her up ( teething poop is the worst and it happens 5-6 times during the day and even in the middle of the night), giving her a bath, making her meals, ensuring she’s well fed, whipping up our meals ( we don’t have a cook), doing and folding laundry, putting D to sleep ( which is definitely a lot of hard work involving bedtime stories and songs from Google Home, among others) and making sure the house has some semblance of order and routine ( slowly giving up on it honestly). It helps that M works from home so we share the load. Coffee is gulped down and is usually cold. Meals are consumed in a hurry. A shower is not more than two minutes long. The newspaper hasn’t been read in days. TV is merely decorative. Books have been lying unread. Self care and grooming ( and I use the word in the loosest possible way) is just down to the basics – brushing and a shower. Who has the time to go to the salon, moisturise and brush hair and all?

So I try and prioritise my day. One some days, I really need extra sleep so I skip the cooking and we order in. Then there are days when I work myself up to a frenzy what with elaborate lunches and ambitious housekeeping projects such as rearranging the kitchen or wardrobes, dusting cupboards etc. For someone like me who can’t stand clutter, it takes a lot of effort into coming to terms with a messy house. My home is happy, full of love and there’s a happy baby on board, so I’m not so obsessive about dust or random things scattered in the living room.

Where does fitness figure in the midst of this beautiful chaos? It does, in the little things. I may not go for a run but I try and eat healthy most of the time. My meal sizes almost doubled after delivery, thanks to constant nursing that leaves me starving sometimes, so trying to pack in more veggies and fibre and less carbs. I try and do some squats and surya namaskars whenever I can, because I enjoy working out at home rather than hitting the gym. But I do these knowing fully well that they’re not going to help me lose tummy flab; that requires more concentrated exercises, but I’m telling myself it’s okay. My body has been through life changing processes and I must respect it, love it and give it all the time in the world to heal. And heal, it does. That’s the amazing thing about our bodies, they are resilient and they’ll do their thing. For now, I’m learning to come to terms with it, eat right, enjoy working out whenever I can and realising that it’s not a compulsion. I don’t have to do something because I should or I can.

I might eventually lose the tummy ( or not) and still may never go back to my pre pregnancy body, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that as long as health and happiness prevail in the home, little else matters. I don’t care about stretch marks, but body weight does bother me sometimes, but on most days, I’m fine with the way things are, and I’m proud for having gone through a complicated delivery ( with two back to back surgeries spanning 90 minutes), surviving the initial weeks of excruciating pain and sleeplessness and having come this far. (Infinitely proud of D for thriving in a hostile fibroid infested uterus and adapting to the new world like a rock star!) This is going to be the new normal from now on, and I’m slowly learning to embrace it and go with the flow. Grateful for this life altering journey that is eye opening in so many ways; really pushes me to be a better person every single day.

Biryani, playlists and more

I busted my knee a few days ago, and I haven’t been working out the last couple of days. M says I’m not a graceful runner, that I swing my feet with much force causing a thud on the treadmill, hence the twisted knee and ankle. Anyway, muscles I did not know existed have begun to ache, and then my uterus decided to bleed the hell out, without as much as a warning (no PMS? mixed feelings about it, some warning would have been nice), so I’m pretty much confined to the living room couch or the bed most of the day. That, however, did not deter me from venturing out for some biryani last night, it being Eid; and if you remember, I’m vegetarian. Yes, laugh all you want, you smug meat-eaters, but a girl’s gotta eat when she wants to, especially when said girl is on her period.

Paradise Biryani has an outlet in the neighbourhood, but I was unceremoniously denied my vegetarian biryani; apparently they ran out of stock. Kind of lame. I was sulking in a corner dunking my Osmania biscuit in sweet Irani chai, as I saw M march out of the restaurant with a giant packet of mutton biryani, a grin on his face. Our next stop was Bawarchi, where I managed to get my veg biryani packed. It was my first biryani in Hyderabad, and while I was expecting to be blown away by the complexity of spices, and the texture of slow cooked vegetables, all I got was coloured basmati rice. So bloody underwhelming. I did spot a handful of veggies tucked at the very bottom of the pack, but I’m pretty sure that the chef had dropped them in the biryani by mistake. Also, no fried onions. Such a damp squib, it turned out to be.

On that sad note, as promised in the earlier post, here’s a glimpse of some of the artistes/songs I listen to, while I’m running.

Chromeo: Literally any song by the Canadian electro-funk band, but mostly from the duo’s 2014 album, White Women. Permanent fixtures on my list include this peppy track , this one and this funky number. Really gets me in the groove.

Tame Impala: If you haven’t heard this Aussie act earlier, I have one word for you. Currents. One of the best albums to come out in 2015. There are some real gems in the album, but my running playlist has these two songs: Let It Happen and The Less I Know The Better. And I never tire of them, especially the second song, despite the weird, confusing video.

Daft Punk: R.A.M is one classic album that is going to be on every playlist of mine – whether at a party, at home, on the road, or in the gym. Lose Yourself To Dance and Get Lucky figure in the list.

Foster The People: Songs from Supermodel, the band’s second album, should receive more airplay; I think they’re better, more evolved, and dancier (that should be a real word), and this song always gives that extra spring in my step.

Capital Cities: Safe and Sound will always remind me of 2013. It was song of the year, as far as I was concerned. And what a fun song. Then along came Kangaroo Court, I Sold My Bed But Not My Stereo and One Minute More, making for one cracker of an album (A Tidal Wave OF Mystery). It’s also my happy running album.

Robin Schulz: He had my attention at Wave After Wave, (although it’s by Mr Probz, remixed by Schulz) and I’m a fan for life. Sugar, Prayer in C, Headlights, Sun Goes Down and more recently, OK, featuring the beauty that is James Blunt, are my top songs for a run.

Calvin Harris: I’m not into hardcore EDM, but I dig a track with melody. And usually if it is not too new-age-y, a retro slant is enough to get me hooked. I liked Calvin’s earlier stuff, right up to 2014 or so. when Summer hit the charts. My list has the older ones, like this track with Dizzee Rascal, I’m Not Alone,  Ready For The Weekend, Bounce, Feel So Close,  and so on. I just watched the monstrosity that is Feels, that was apparently released a couple of days back, so R.I.P Calvin!

Avicii: My kind of music. Wake Me Up is my go to track, when I’m out running or in the gym. In fact, the entire album, called True, makes for stellar listening.

The Black Keys: Lonely Boy makes me want to dance like the guy in the video, and Gold On The Ceiling is ideal for the fag end of my run.

Chicane: Offshore has been on my playlist since time immemorial, and though I have no idea if Chicane even exists today, some of his songs like Stoned In Love continue to accompany me on my quest for fitness.

Apart from these, random numbers by Arctic Monkeys, Alt-J, Phil Collins, Rod Stewart, Coldplay, Clean Bandit, and even lesser-known bands like Mudcrutch (featuring Tom Petty) sit pretty on my ipod.

And for some inexplicable reason, this inanely absurd song still remains on my list. It’s called Tiger Took My Family and it’s by some loony guy called Dr Bombay. I’m sure it’s racist as hell too. I urge you to give it a spin.

What’s on your playlist?