Notes to self

A set of reminders for a better everyday.

1.) Focus on being present in the moment . This has been a recurrent theme in my blog of late too. Learning the art of doing this from 14-month-old D.

2.) Set apart time for fitness. Work out at home, resume yoga, meditate for a while, go for a walk. Was regular with this but been lethargic ever since I got home to be with parents.

3.) Read good books. And read more often.

4.) Listen to music. Surprised that this is on the list because this is the one thing I used to do all the time. Now, though, my phone’s always on mute but I do play music in the background when D is eating or playing. But it’s mostly devotional or classical music, thanks to my family. Maybe pick different kinds of music too, so D is exposed to more variety.

5.) Mindless social media surfing needs to stop. My fingers and wrist hurt after a point!

6.) Start driving your car. Enough with the excuses and the baseless fears.

7.) Wear sarees more often, and learn to drape with more finesse. On a similar note, wear good clothes, give away stuff you don’t wear. Been doing this in regular intervals but wardrobe optimisation is a life-long process.

8.) Focus on self care. Seriously. It’s about time. Treat yourself to a good hair cut or a pedicure every few months at least.

9.) Practice patience. Easier said than done especially for someone like me who’s most impatient. But, but, I’m already doing a lot better than the last few weeks ever since I felt myself spiralling out of control. Point number 1 , aka, mindfulness, has helped.

10.) Get on top of your finances. Pending PF withdrawals, invoices, investment status, mutual fund returns, SIPs… get them all sorted one by one.

11.) Pick your projects. I’ve been turning down out a lot of work that’s come my way these days because I realise it’s not important now. Maybe it’s a good idea to say an outright No rather than reeling under the pressure once you’ve agreed to take on said work and then opting out. I want to spend more time with D. She’s my number one. Work scene seems more manageable now.

12.) Ask for help. You can’t and don’t have to do everything yourself. I can count on family and friends to help with babycare and more or just talk.

13.) Stay in touch with friends. And get out more to meet them. Also don’t shy away from forging new friendships.

14.) Do things you love. Sing, bake, cook, paint, photograph, write, work, laugh, play with abandon, with passion and zero expectations. And don’t think about how you’ll be perceived or if you’re good or bad. Treat everything as an opportunity to learn. Try it without holding back. Without seeking validation.

15.) stay grateful and positive. You are in a god place.

16.) Cut yourself some slack. It’s all right.

Why I am on Instagram

I’ve been grazing Instagram a lot lately and I have to admit that I like this social media platform. I post almost every other day and most of my content has to do with motherhood, D, and now that I’m home, snippets of our garden, my grandparents, and some glorious food which I don’t have to cook. Most of what I share are happy frames and the ones that are not so happy are usually disguised as light-hearted posts.

However, a few days back I found myself in a really dark space and I did something I’ve never done before: I vented on Instagram. I am a private person and I generally don’t like the idea of sharing too much information online but this time I was so lost and helpless that I had no second thoughts about honestly expressing how I was feeling. I got plenty of very thoughtful and supportive messages from friends and people I barely know and it made me feel secure. M completely disapproves of me doing this though. He believes that certain things are best left unsaid when it comes to social media and his view is that it’d soon become an obsession and you’d feel the compulsion to share every trivial detail of your life on a public platform. I agree with him to an extent considering I’m just as guarded about posting stuff online. Yesterday, for instance, I took down a story because M insisted it was showing D in bad light. I thought it was a funny post – irreverent but funny, nonetheless- about D’s sleepless nights but M said I was being harsh on D and it’s not ok to complain about our kid like that. Had a major argument with him and eventually deleted the story.

By now, it’s well established that Instagram holds an unswerving power over our relationship. Especially now that we’re in different cities temporarily, the stress gets to us: to me, more than anyone else. And I’m already plotting sweet revenge when I get back to Hyderabad: determined to go out and explore the city alone while leaving D with M all day. Anyway, the question is: why am I on Instagram?

The answers are multi layered. For one, I like the Instagram community, now that I’m a mom. Earlier I’d just post travel pictures and get on with my life. But now, I’ve discovered Instagram moms! I follow a lot of them for their absolute honesty, humour and no nonsense approach to parenting, for keeping it real, for normalising a lot of things like breastfeeding, postpartum depression and the hellhole that motherhood is, at times. No judgments. I also follow moms for book reccos, fun activities, toddler food ideas, and so on. More than anything there’s a sense of camaraderie, a feeling that we’re all in this together, our experiences matter and the anger, rage, irritation we feel as mothers is normal.

Secondly, I don’t have many mom friends. And I live in a quiet part of town that’s very far from where a couple of my only friends in the city live. I do not have friends in the building I live in or in the vicinity. So it’s a rather lonely journey with me staying holed up with D all day long in the flat except for walks in the park in the morning and evening. Instagram on the other hand is home to plenty of moms, most of whom I want to connect with and be friends with in real life. So I live in that little bubble when I’m home, exhausted and a little lonely.

Do I want to document my journey and D’s on Instagram? Not really. I quite enjoy sharing snippets every now and then but I’m not comfortable with the idea of flooding my page with personal photos. I used to deride moms who can’t stop sharing pics of their little ones but I kind of get where they come from, and I enjoy reading their posts so it’s all cool. Instagram captions are the new blogs, it seems like. I’m still pretty old fashioned though and prefer writing long winding articles here to posting lengthy Instagram captions. This is my safe space.

Why do I spend so much time on Instagram? The response to this is plain boring: i cannot leave D alone even when she’s asleep ( here our bedroom is upstairs so I have to be with her) during the day or night. By now you know that my little peanut hates sleeping and i have to draw the curtains to make the room pitch dark. It’s too dark to read a book. So my phone is my friend! Instagram to the rescue. Or Netflix on mute with subtitles.

One of my favourite things about Instagram is that it has helped me discover some fabulous indie brands – be it fashion, beauty, kids clothes, toys, books, home decor, food, recipes , you get the drift. It’s like Pinterest, Amazon and Facebook rolled into one. I’ll share some of my favourite Instagram brands in another post. Plus I’ve been following a lot of accounts related to fitness, food, home decor and parenting that inspire me and give me hope.

I am prone to jealousy but by and large, this community doesn’t stir up too many negative emotions nor do I feel the pressure to keep up. I look at these Instagram accounts and pages as free tools to learn new things, seek inspiration and get better. I even got interesting work opportunities thanks to the platform, so while I have toyed with the idea of deactivating my account I don’t see the need for it. On good days, I share the joy I experience and on bad days, I seek validation and support. Doesn’t seem like a bad deal at all.

What’s holding me back

I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I’m hesitant to share my work (and my blog) on social media platforms, for instance. Pinned it down to a bunch of things that in turn snowballed into larger issues begging the question: what’s holding me back? Join me in this fun (NOT) exercise as I try and unravel the workings of my chaotic mind.

– My blog is very personal and I like the anonymity that the blogging world offers. I do not want random folks plus family and colleagues I follow on social media to make judgements about me and my journey or know too much about me.

– I’ve reconciled to the fact that sharing one’s work on social media is not a bad idea at all. I like reading what others have posted, so I wouldn’t mind sharing what I’ve written. Except that, of late, my work is restricted to research-based writing and content writing which is not anything of much merit really. Average work with not much scope for creativity. Good money. Easy and stress free work. That’s my jam now, and will be this way till the offspring is another year or two older. But I’d definitely be doing some work of personal interest for magazines I love, and I’ll make sure to share them, because I really want people to read my work!

– When I was younger, I imagined a glorious career for myself, where I’d dabble in multiple things and even win awards. So I would be a journalist, writer, baker, an interior designer, a musician, throw the best parties, have an enviable wardrobe… basically, all Avenger characters rolled into one. Now I look back at that dream and I go LOL. But funnily enough, all these are areas I love, and I still think about foraying into some of these streams. For instance, I enjoy cooking and baking, and have toyed with the idea of hosting intimate dinners for small groups of travelers (Eatwith) or at least taking small orders in the community I live in. Why don’t I do it then?

– I tend to overthink everything. Weigh in pros and cons to the point where making a decision becomes impossible.

– I’m scared it’ll bomb. Or that I won’t be able to handle it.

– I do not have any idea how to start, what the nitty-gritties are, how to put myself out there.

– I’m worried that the stress will destroy any joy that I derive out of doing said activity.

– I used to pride myself on being a doer and not a talker but I need to call myself out on that one. I don’t seem to be doing what it takes to get to where I want.

– I am torn between making money and doing something meaningful. It’s getting harder to strike a balance because meaningful work , creative work that you love and want to do, may not make much financial sense. Even with the baking and the cooking, if I were to turn it into a business, I’d struggle to even break even.

– Solution: Start small, let it be your little side hustle, in addition to doing that thing that gets you money.

– Makes sense all right? But there’s a baby on board now and not enough time or help in hand. So it can wait. And that, my friends, is how I sabotage my own plans.

Let me tell you though that mom guilt is real. I’ll be sitting and working at home in the next room and already feeling bad and guilty that my mom has to run around with D. Trust me, she loves it and there’s nothing else she’d rather do. And it’s only for a few hours; yet, I feel bad. I guess working in an office is perhaps a better idea, so you focus on work, without interruptions such as being called to help clean baby, change diaper, watch her like a hawk when she saunters into your makeshift work space, nurse her, try putting her to sleep and so on. This is also why work seems to go on forever. Because I can’t work even for 30 minutes without a squishy cutie wanting to smash my keyboard.

I guess, Apna time aayega ( can’t believe I typed a Hindi phrase). My time to shine will come. I jut need to have hope, patience and a concrete plan. Plus a bit of courage and confidence doesn’t hurt.

Priorities

“It’s been 48 hours since I last had a shower. Or brushed my hair. I think I oiled and washed my hair sometime last week. Or not. It’s well past 11 am and I haven’t had my breakfast; I think I had coffee a few hours back. Or maybe not. My days are a blur as I try to juggle housekeeping, cooking, work and babycare. Doesn’t help that D hates sleeping or that she poops multiple times a day.”

I typed that paragraph out a couple of days ago when I was in the midst of a near breakdown. I cried a lot that day out of sheer exhaustion. I needed a break, to sit down on the sofa for ten minutes and do nothing. But I’d been running around like a headless chicken since the time I woke up and before I realise it, I’m already battling bedtime with D. I was so done with life that day I forgot all about the blog post I’d set out to write. If you must know, I eventually had my breakfast, had my shower, got food on our plates, got some writing done and D slept too. At some point. But man, the agony! And the sheer exhaustion. I literally feel it in every muscle, every bone, and it aches like hell.

Talking about how stressed and exhausted I am is my new hobby; every conversation spontaneously steers into that territory. My folks make it a point to tell me how tired I look, every time I FaceTime with them, and in my whatsapp messages to M, you’ll find a hundred different variations of “I’m bloody exhausted ” almost every day.

I think parenthood, especially motherhood, is both overrated and underrated at the same time; for example, there are those who tell you how glorious motherhood is and about how instantly they bonded with their baby. These people shudder at the very thought of you losing your cool in front of your baby. Then there’s the other kind that only points out the negatives of being a mom, and how stressful it is and how the whole thing is a scam. Like there’s no middle ground. I really thought childbirth and raising a baby etc may not be that difficult because, well, everyone’s always been doing it, how tough can it be? Turns out it’s bloody difficult. Every single thing. Especially if you’re the kind that gets anxious and imagines worst case scenarios in your head all the time. It’s so not fun.

But it’s also a lot of fun. Trust me, no I haven’t lost my head or got “mommy brain” (yuck, hate that term). It may seem like a contradiction but it’s not. Most moments with the baby are an absolute joy, so pure and heartwarming. Yes, your body changes, you begin to wonder what an uninterrupted night of sleep is like, you are part zombie already, you’re snappy ( due to aforementioned sleep deprivation), stressed, hungry, and thirsty all the time (if you’re nursing) and you just can’t wrap your head around why your offspring just won’t go to sleep. But believe me when I say it’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s part of the process, a rite of passage, if you will, for most moms. And the best part: it’s only a phase. Everything’s just a phase with these littles, even the good things like sleeping through the night (sigh).

Someday they’ll grow up, stop nursing, be potty trained, sleep through the night, be independent, be their own person and move out. And then you’ll wish they were still babies, so you can cuddle them, play with them and let them sleep in your arms. They’re only little for so long, so might as well do what you have to do, because strangely enough you’ll miss a tiny part of it when they grow up. I’ve heard this from quite a few moms and I kind of believe it’s true to an extent. I already feel it when I look at D today, she’s turning one next month and I cannot tell you just how quickly the year has gone by, even though it seemed like the days and nights were endless!

In other news I’ve taken up some new work and I wish I hadn’t. Adds to the stress, as if I don’t have enough of cooking, cleaning, nursing, feeding and baby care to do. I just had to go and make life more miserable by inflicting unrealistic deadlines and uninspiring work ( random editing and writing). I do not know why I do this to myself, knowing fully well that I’m shit at handling additional stress. So, yes, trying to deal with it in more constructive ways, which essentially means I’m cribbing a lot while scampering around trying to be super woman (and failing at it). If anything it has made me more aware of my priorities. I don’t even mind turning in my work late Or skipping it altogether because I have D to take care of and she means a million times more to me than some garbage work assignment.

This has been an insanely long post, and my fingers hurt from typing super fast on the phone. So long then!

New year, same me

I’m not big on New Year Resolutions, but the last year has revealed several aspects of my personality I hadn’t encountered in a long time. Anger, frustration, anxiety, also unbridled joy and love – having a baby brought a whole lot of big big feelings and emotions to the fore. So I really feel the need to sit back, take stock and put it all into writing. It’s my version of therapy. So here’s a laundry list to help get myself back on track.

Exercise

This tops the list for various reasons: I need the endorphins because baby care drives me up the wall on some days. I quite enjoy working out but haven’t done any hard core exercises so far, so this might be the year of high intensity strength training work outs. God knows I need all that physical strength and endurance. Surgery has left me with a weak back and there have been times when I’ve hurt my legs and back sleeping or just standing or sitting. I kid you not. I toss from sleeping on one side ( night time nursing is no fun but slightly bearable this way) to getting flat on my back and my body literally creaks and goes: whoa, easy there! Literally a wake up call ( pun intended). When sleeping has turned into an injury-causing activity, you know it’s time. I do not like gyms so I’m just going to resume my runs and work out at home. Any good YouTube channels and app recommendations are welcome.

Self care

I spend my day in atrocious clothes, my skin is dry and scaly (why you do this Hyderabad) and my hair is messy, wiry and has a mind of its own. My self care aspirations are hence very basic – moisturise every day, oil hair, use good conditioner, brush hair. Yes, the bar is set really low. If I manage to have a consistent night skin care regimen (cleanse-tone-serum) then I’d have outdone myself, but I’m the least disciplined when it comes to stuff like this. Moisturising seems like a chore to me, that’s like five minutes of my time I’d rather have spent scrolling through my Instagram feed. But I need to muster the self discipline to do this because I kind of care about how I look. To some extent. I’m always such a mess so it seems like I don’t give a damn but I do. So this year, I might be putting in more effort into looking like a decently turned out human being, because I don’t want to look like I stole someone else’s baby.

Declutter

I’m passionate about cleaning up and sorting out the house; I get wildly excited about it, and rub my hands in glee just anticipating the whole process. It started when I was still in school, this obsession with cleaning, sorting, purging, rearranging, and it’s still going strong. M probably thinks I display serial-killer type tendencies what with the mad glint in my eye when I talk about spending the weekend tidying up the home.

But despite this, my house is full of stuff. I can never be a minimalist because I live with a hoarder and a baby. M’s strategy involves buying anything and everything that’s on sale irrespective of whether we need it. We have multiple shelves lined with toiletries that’ll probably last us a lifetime. A cabinet full of single malt bottles. A cupboard full of glasses. A bag full of old credit cards. Drawers filled with cables, endless loops of wires, cardboard boxes, batteries, remote controls, screws. I’m perhaps marginally better, but the home decor section is my kryptonite. Can not resist pretty kitchenware, bed linen and the likes. And also cannot stop buying cute dresses for D. Time to channel my inner Mary Kondo and give away things that don’t spark joy.

This year, I vow to buy less and give more.

Don’t judge

Im prone to making snap judgments about people without knowing zilch about them. This has to stop. It might help to get to understand them better and be more accepting of different points of view. This judging thing is coming directly in the way of my other goal of making new friends and rekindling old friendships.

Nurture friendships

I really thought it’d be easy to nurture friendships but it takes effort. I hadn’t really thought of it, maybe even took my friends for granted at some point, but it dawned on me after I hit 30 that things aren’t quite the same. People change, they grow, evolve, and your friendship must provide that space for it to sustain and remain healthy. At the same time, it’s equally important to put yourself out there and connect with newer people. I thought of myself as an introvert but I kind of thrive in the company of like minded people, so I must make it a point to engage with my friends – both old and new – because it makes me happy.

Develop a hobby

Raising a baby leaves me with little time to do anything else of merit but I realise that when I’m overwhelmed, even ten minutes away from the offspring helps. So it makes sense to use my breaks wisely instead of staring at my phone. I used to be clued into the music scene, now I hardly know what’s going on or who the new artistes are, so time to reacquaint myself with new music and old favourites. I must also read more. And bake more. Do a bit of gardening. Give my attempt at painting another shot. Resume music lessons. Take online courses. Get into yoga. Or photography. Take up interesting freelance work. The key is to stay inspired, maybe D will pick up my vibe too.

Stay calm

I cannot tell you just how angry and frustrated I get if D doesn’t calm down or if she refuses to sleep no matter what I do. Most of that anger is kind of directed at myself for failing at such a simple task, and at that point it’s hard to see that I’m asking too much of a ten month old baby. It’s ridiculous. I must absolutely calm the fuck down! It’s true that as babies grow older, they feed off your energy, so it’s important that you pass on only good vibes. This year, I’m going to focus on letting go of anger, resentment and guilt, and aim to be a much calmer and positive person. Maybe give meditation a shot once again or develop my own strategies to cope with negativity. Time to get my zen mode on and be a much better version of myself this year onwards.

And you, what are your personal goals for the new year?