1.) Focus on being present in the moment . This has been a recurrent theme in my blog of late too. Learning the art of doing this from 14-month-old D.
2.) Set apart time for fitness. Work out at home, resume yoga, meditate for a while, go for a walk. Was regular with this but been lethargic ever since I got home to be with parents.
3.) Read good books. And read more often.
4.) Listen to music. Surprised that this is on the list because this is the one thing I used to do all the time. Now, though, my phone’s always on mute but I do play music in the background when D is eating or playing. But it’s mostly devotional or classical music, thanks to my family. Maybe pick different kinds of music too, so D is exposed to more variety.
5.) Mindless social media surfing needs to stop. My fingers and wrist hurt after a point!
6.) Start driving your car. Enough with the excuses and the baseless fears.
7.) Wear sarees more often, and learn to drape with more finesse. On a similar note, wear good clothes, give away stuff you don’t wear. Been doing this in regular intervals but wardrobe optimisation is a life-long process.
8.) Focus on self care. Seriously. It’s about time. Treat yourself to a good hair cut or a pedicure every few months at least.
9.) Practice patience. Easier said than done especially for someone like me who’s most impatient. But, but, I’m already doing a lot better than the last few weeks ever since I felt myself spiralling out of control. Point number 1 , aka, mindfulness, has helped.
10.) Get on top of your finances. Pending PF withdrawals, invoices, investment status, mutual fund returns, SIPs… get them all sorted one by one.
11.) Pick your projects. I’ve been turning down out a lot of work that’s come my way these days because I realise it’s not important now. Maybe it’s a good idea to say an outright No rather than reeling under the pressure once you’ve agreed to take on said work and then opting out. I want to spend more time with D. She’s my number one. Work scene seems more manageable now.
12.) Ask for help. You can’t and don’t have to do everything yourself. I can count on family and friends to help with babycare and more or just talk.
13.) Stay in touch with friends. And get out more to meet them. Also don’t shy away from forging new friendships.
14.) Do things you love. Sing, bake, cook, paint, photograph, write, work, laugh, play with abandon, with passion and zero expectations. And don’t think about how you’ll be perceived or if you’re good or bad. Treat everything as an opportunity to learn. Try it without holding back. Without seeking validation.
15.) stay grateful and positive. You are in a god place.
gratitude: readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness
Don’t we all aspire to be grateful? Maybe we’ve even dabbled in keeping a gratitude journal, diligently noting down five things we’re thankful for every day. Or every other day. Okay, once a week. Realistically, once a month. And then forgetting its existence for a long time only to fish it out one particularly rough day hoping it would soothe your violent heart. But no. Instead it seems forced. Your gratitude journal is one big fat lie. On one seemingly uneventful day you’d written ” I’m grateful for a quiet evening spent reading a book and sipping coffee”. But you’d spent said evening sulking at home and wishing you could go meet a friend.
Maybe you truly are grateful… but only on retrospect. The full force of it hit me now as I lay next to a sleeping D on the bed. I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and moved to tears thanking the powers that be for the gift of this little squishy in our lives, for her enthu-cutlet-ness, her relentless curiosity, her sense of wonder, her overall cuteness and the boundless joy and love she brings.
Cut to a few minutes ago, though, I was a mess. I lost my cool while dealing with bedtime; I’ve never seen anyone fight sleep as much as my baby does. She was tossing and jumping about on bed, kicking me and biting while I was trying to keep calm and nurse her. And then something within me snapped and I literally yelled at D telling her she’s troubling me way too much and if she doesn’t sleep, I’ll go nuts. And I meant it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to call my mom to help me settle D to bed, and while she slept peacefully in my mother’s arms, I broke down into tears.
I remembered just how grateful I really am for D, for my family, and felt guilty about what had just happened. I shouldn’t have yelled. She’s a baby. But at that moment, when I was battling bedtime with a fidgety baby, I was honestly not feeling grateful at all. When my mom came upstairs to help me, I wasn’t particularly thankful either. Why is this gratitude thing always an afterthought? Why is it so hard to remember to feel grateful when you are bang in the middle of that moment, no matter how happy, sad or overwhelming ? Is it just me or does anyone else have a problem with acknowledging the moment you’re in, being fully present and reacting in a way that does not make you cringe with guilt later on?
I used to jot down things I’m thankful for, as an exercise. And I noticed that it simply seemed too forced at times, especially on days when nothing significant really happened. Arbid entries like “grateful to be alive” or “thankful for a nice meal” evoke zero feelings of genuine gratitude. It’s also confusing because I don’t know whom I should be directing my gratitude to for staying alive, for instance. The Beegees? (Worst joke) Plus, there were entries that seemed to suggest I was grateful but I really wasn’t; definitely not when I was in that predicament. “Grateful for the long wait at metro station and conversations with a stranger”. That’s a lie. So not grateful at all because who likes to wait endlessly for the train after a long day at work? In retrospect though, it just seemed like something you ought to have been thankful for. It’s very tricky, this gratitude thingy; even when it’s real, it seems fake. And when you ought to be genuinely thankful for something, it’s always too late, it’s always on hindsight. If only we knew we are grateful when we are in the thick of the moment! If only we were more mindful and consistent, there’d be no need for things like gratitude journals on bedside tables. Or therapy.
A friend of mine shared a pic of the two of us from almost ten years ago. It was taken at another dear friend’s beach house just outside Madras and we’re both grinning like Cheshire cats. My hair looks unusually curly and teeth look gigantic in the pic, yet I’m smiling and we both seem relaxed in the way only two close friends can be when together. This set forth a wave of nostalgia and had me pining for the good old times – post work shenanigans at Zara, inside jokes and pop culture references at office, weekends with M, impromptu coffee sessions with friends, random house parties, beach house nights, fun concerts, and Madras, that beautiful seaside city which made it all possible.
But nostalgia can be tricky because it warps facts and sugar coats real life events from the past. Ten years ago, I was a complete mess. It took me a while to actually start talking to my own team mates at work. I was actually intimidated by all the seemingly cool, progressive people I went to college with. It was my first proper stint in a big city and while I’d always liked the idea of Madras as a small town girl, it was not exactly a piece of cake. I was going through trouble in the personal front right from 2008 – right after I made the rookie mistake of telling my mom that I was dating a guy and would like to marry him someday. I said it innocently enough within weeks or months of meeting M, but boy! Did my folks throw a fit. It assumed violent, disturbing and traumatic proportions in the years that followed and at 25, I was contemplating suicide. Like very seriously.
I was battling my own demons, struggling to sleep, struggling to wake up, eating too much, not eating at all, experiencing panic attacks, high blood pressure, extreme anxiety, and through it all, I envied my friends who had saner parents and normal lives wherein they did not go through a nervous breakdown when their folks called them to say hi on the phone. At work, I’d put on a facade, and joke about my situation but there have been times when I’ve broken down at office too. I did not, however, shut myself out; I did the opposite, so I was out a lot, because I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone with my thoughts or worse, with my mom, who decided to stay put with me in Madras and torture the fuck out of me every single day.
Ten years ago, the only thing that mattered to me was my career and my friends; M figured in it too I think, but only much later when family drama intensified. I was not invested in family at all, and I was sure I did not want kids, because my folks had scarred me enough and I did not want to pass it forward and screw up the genetic pool. I was ambitious and driven but never realised that I was very very depressed and anxious too. I was trying to piece myself together and just cross the bridge when I got there because thinking about my future and how I’d work things out would get me frazzled and wound up.
Cut to today, I’m married to M, mother to a delightful ten month old baby girl, I’ve come to value family more than anything else and I’m on a break from work ( something that was unimaginable even 3 years ago). Several bridges were built and compromises reached, a lot remains unresolved and I’m ok with that. You cannot really get complete closure and that’s all right as well. I choose my battles and let things go. I’m also a lot more self aware, I’m not as awkward with people, I cook pretty well and make excellent coffee. I’m more practical, more confident, stronger than earlier, more accepting of myself and other people and more acutely aware of my flaws; some of them I choose to work on, and some are simply an intangible part of who I am.
A picture can be deceptive and you’re free to interpret it any way you like. So while it seems like a happy pic, I’m honestly in a much better place now, emotionally and otherwise. I’m still smiling in the picture despite all the trouble I was having then, because I think somewhere deep down I knew things would be better. I was hopeful then just as I am, today, ten years and many battles and setbacks later. Some things don’t change.
It’s been a slow Monday. Woke up late, made myself some breakfast and coffee, watched a silly romantic comedy called ‘Love Happens’ starring Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston. I think Aaron Eckhart is hot in a strange way; also, he has dad bod, which is kind of sexy.
There’s Goan vegetable xacuti simmering in the kitchen; M is taking a nap after his early morning cycling trip with friends (and he’s off today. Yay), even as I’m playing 80s pop on my laptop (remember Cyndi Lauper?). I’d be completely okay if my life were this uneventful every single day.
Which makes this a perfect time to take off from where I stopped in my previous blog post.
Never compare
This is not easy, I agree. I constantly beat myself over the fact that I’m not as good as the next person, or as lucky as some people I know. But I’m trying to get out of this rut and have been partially successful in feeling better. The point is, as I had mentioned in an earlier post (Look at me, quoting myself), there will always be someone better than you; there will always be someone worse than you. Sure, you must try harder, push yourself some more and aim for the stars; but do it because you want to do it, not because you draw your self-worth from how well you are doing in life.
I’ve always tied my self-worth to my work, which I realise is kind of suicidal, because you are more than your work. With social media and shallow people all around who make even “mundane observations seem like grand discoveries” (to quote Chimamanda Adichie’s words in Americanah), you tend to feel pressurised all the time. Your life becomes all about trying to prove to people that you are smart, successful and right. I know this only too well, because right from childhood, my mom has been comparing my grades, behaviour, attitude, the way I look, dress etc with those of friends, family and neighbours. And it hasn’t stopped. Now it’s about babies, salaries, career, investments. I know I cannot change my mom’s toxic attitude (I’ve tried many times), but I do know that I can fine-tune my attitude so that I don’t let these negative thoughts hamper my happiness.
It’s also about learning to develop a thick skin, because you need it to shield yourself from shit people say. You need it, so you can take their statements with a pinch of salt, and not lose sleep over how offended you are. Offence and outrage are overrated, although the daily news seems to think otherwise. Focus on yourself, track your own progress, have a plan, work towards a goal, eat healthy, go for long walks, do more of what you love. Let the rest of the world shove its crap up its rear. It should cease to matter, because you are stronger and bigger than that, although you may be just a speck of microscopic dust in the universe. Perspective is important.
Let go of your past
This is particularly hard if you feel that you did not have the kind of life you think you deserved. Or if you (like me, and so many others) had to battle depression, low self esteem and an unsupportive family, since childhood. This is going to sound super corny but you can’t move forward if you keep looking at the rear view mirror. Does it make sense? I mean, reflecting over the past is essential, because there are always lessons to be learnt, mistakes to be rectified; but you need to toss the emotional baggage that comes with it. You don’t need it. You’ve dealt with it, it’s over now, and look at you, surviving and shit.
You also need to stop with the self-pity. Because it’s freakin’ annoying. There’s nothing more miserable than a grown man or woman wallowing in self pity over a past that seems to cast a shadow over your present. M, for instance, did not have a great childhood; his family was in debt and his dad did not have money to even pay the school fee. Problems with family over property and other things escalated the situation and his family was penniless. And M was a little school kid when all this happened. But they picked up the broken pieces and built up their lives brick by brick, one step at a time.
I cannot imagine the trauma and the complex that M, his brother and family would have gone through. Yet, M has a positive spin to the whole issue; which is to work super hard, be simple, happy people who are smart with money and not repeat some of the mistakes that his family had committed then. He has never once felt sorry for his past or wished he had a better life. Instead, he has built an awesome life for himself, and has let his past fuel his passion for life. I couldn’t have asked for a better role model. I’ve been lucky enough to have financial support in my school and college days, and I’m thankful that my parents ensured we had money for the things we wanted. Everyone has a past that we wish we hadn’t, but be thankful for it, because it has made you a better, stronger and happier person.
You can control your thoughts
I’m one of those people who always play out the worst possible scenarios in my head; of course, they are imaginary situations about people hurting me or saying something that makes me lash out at them. Obviously, it puts me in a bad mood. I’m crabby, hateful and full of spite when I’m playing out these situations. Why do I do that then? It’s not even real. It’s probably not likely to happen ever. Yet it’s a ‘habit’ that I have managed to grow out of, in parts, at least. How? By consciously making an effort NOT to think certain thoughts. By replacing negative emotions and disastrous thoughts with a happy, positive thought. Easier said than done? Not really. Of course, it requires some effort and self-awareness, but it takes practice. You can train your mind to think the way you want, instead of letting it go adrift on its own course. Which is a revelation. Because, now, every time, my mind tries to flip back some pages from my life or play out a hateful imaginary situation, I get alert and counter my mind with images of places I want to travel to, people I love, the kind of house I want for myself. It’s a healthy battle that goes on, and in the end, you win, simply because positivity and happiness can trump negativity any day.
Don’t be fake
We all have that one friend who can’t stop talking in a fake British or American accent, just so it makes them sound cool. (No, it doesn’t) Or the ones who pretend like they care about you deeply and are happy for your success, but back-stab you the moment you leave. Fakers gonna fake, because that’s what they do. I let it get to me, but I know that I shouldn’t. Because it’s really not about me, it’s about them, their insecurities. The best thing to do with them is to laugh about it, pull their leg or simply ignore it. Sometimes, it’s not at all advisable to sweat the small stuff. The important thing though is for you to stay true to yourself; there’s no need for you to stoop to their level and be someone you aren’t. Being genuine and honest is perhaps highly underrated, but absolutely essential. People will respect you for who you are, for the refreshing honesty and originality you bring to the table. You don’t have to be politically correct all the time; loosen up, yo. Your thought matters. Your opinions matter. So say it out loud and clear. And everyone will wish they were as honest. Trust me, it’s a good feeling.
Practise gratitude
I cannot stress the importance of this enough, because being grateful changes your mindset for the better. You learn to appreciate your life more, feel better about yourself and rejoice in little everyday victories. I sometimes read my entries in my diary on all the things I’m thankful for (I have been writing down at least 5 things every day, or on most days) and it always brings a smile on my face. I urge everyone to try this. Whenever you are down, you just have to go through your repository of things you are grateful and happy for, and it will fill you with this warm, fuzzy feeling, which is also known as happiness.
I am quite angsty. If you’ve been reading my blogs, you’ll know that I tend to get somewhat annoyed with people in general. But if you meet me in person, I’m not all that angsty. I can be surprisingly pleasant and friendly, even funny. Because that’s how I am as a person. It’s only when I sit and think of things I hate and worry about, that all my negative emotions surface. It’s weird that I actually set apart time to obsess over things I hate.
I was talking to my friend (after a long time) last night and we were both excited about how much we have in common. Sadly, it turned out they were not exactly happy, positive things. For instance, we’d both had rough journeys right from childhood, had gone through depression and had overcome some pretty difficult times. Which we realised made us stronger, but unfortunately very bitter too.
We spoke about how we are bitter that people we know and love (like our close friends) have it so easy in life. It’s not fair that people have fancy beach weddings, supportive families and shitloads of money, when we had to work our asses off and risk everything to get what we wanted. It’s not fair that they get to travel the world and do anything they want, when we were never allowed to do any of that and even if we wanted to, it would have involved way too much unnecessary family drama; and besides, we were too busy dealing with much bigger issues and even thinking of something as luxurious as a solo trip or a night out was out of the question. So, while we are happy for the people we love, it’s difficult not to compare our journeys with theirs, and be a bit jealous too, in the process.
Does that make us terrible people? Are we being smug and snobbish? I don’t know, because I’d like to believe that deep down, we are nice people. We are fun, and we love our friends. Also, we feel terrible about ourselves for being so bitter, although we are not rude or hurtful when we speak to these people. Do we just embrace this quirk and live with it the rest of our lives, or should we change our attitude and work at being less angsty and hence, happier?
Of course, the latter, because don’t we all want to be positive and happy? So, here’s a thing I read somewhere. I’ve started applying it in my everyday routine and with time, I’m sure it will help. It involves writing down at least three positive things that happened during the day that you are thankful for. I’ve been doing it every night before going to bed, since last week. I’m hoping that I will soon be able to appreciate and respect everyone’s journey and feel genuinely happy for them without any tinge of bitterness. At least, that’s the aim.
Also, this little exercise helps people like me who are always seeing the worst in every situation. It forces you to focus on positive happy things, thereby shielding negative emotions. So instead of obsessing over things you hate, you can now start obsessing over things you love. And delight in small victories, so you don’t feel the need for someone else to appreciate you all the time.
In other news, my favourite band Alt-J is coming to Delhi next month and I’m super excited. Hence, Alt-J playlist on loop all of today, here and here
Paperback writer 