Notes to self

A set of reminders for a better everyday.

1.) Focus on being present in the moment . This has been a recurrent theme in my blog of late too. Learning the art of doing this from 14-month-old D.

2.) Set apart time for fitness. Work out at home, resume yoga, meditate for a while, go for a walk. Was regular with this but been lethargic ever since I got home to be with parents.

3.) Read good books. And read more often.

4.) Listen to music. Surprised that this is on the list because this is the one thing I used to do all the time. Now, though, my phone’s always on mute but I do play music in the background when D is eating or playing. But it’s mostly devotional or classical music, thanks to my family. Maybe pick different kinds of music too, so D is exposed to more variety.

5.) Mindless social media surfing needs to stop. My fingers and wrist hurt after a point!

6.) Start driving your car. Enough with the excuses and the baseless fears.

7.) Wear sarees more often, and learn to drape with more finesse. On a similar note, wear good clothes, give away stuff you don’t wear. Been doing this in regular intervals but wardrobe optimisation is a life-long process.

8.) Focus on self care. Seriously. It’s about time. Treat yourself to a good hair cut or a pedicure every few months at least.

9.) Practice patience. Easier said than done especially for someone like me who’s most impatient. But, but, I’m already doing a lot better than the last few weeks ever since I felt myself spiralling out of control. Point number 1 , aka, mindfulness, has helped.

10.) Get on top of your finances. Pending PF withdrawals, invoices, investment status, mutual fund returns, SIPs… get them all sorted one by one.

11.) Pick your projects. I’ve been turning down out a lot of work that’s come my way these days because I realise it’s not important now. Maybe it’s a good idea to say an outright No rather than reeling under the pressure once you’ve agreed to take on said work and then opting out. I want to spend more time with D. She’s my number one. Work scene seems more manageable now.

12.) Ask for help. You can’t and don’t have to do everything yourself. I can count on family and friends to help with babycare and more or just talk.

13.) Stay in touch with friends. And get out more to meet them. Also don’t shy away from forging new friendships.

14.) Do things you love. Sing, bake, cook, paint, photograph, write, work, laugh, play with abandon, with passion and zero expectations. And don’t think about how you’ll be perceived or if you’re good or bad. Treat everything as an opportunity to learn. Try it without holding back. Without seeking validation.

15.) stay grateful and positive. You are in a god place.

16.) Cut yourself some slack. It’s all right.

Why I am on Instagram

I’ve been grazing Instagram a lot lately and I have to admit that I like this social media platform. I post almost every other day and most of my content has to do with motherhood, D, and now that I’m home, snippets of our garden, my grandparents, and some glorious food which I don’t have to cook. Most of what I share are happy frames and the ones that are not so happy are usually disguised as light-hearted posts.

However, a few days back I found myself in a really dark space and I did something I’ve never done before: I vented on Instagram. I am a private person and I generally don’t like the idea of sharing too much information online but this time I was so lost and helpless that I had no second thoughts about honestly expressing how I was feeling. I got plenty of very thoughtful and supportive messages from friends and people I barely know and it made me feel secure. M completely disapproves of me doing this though. He believes that certain things are best left unsaid when it comes to social media and his view is that it’d soon become an obsession and you’d feel the compulsion to share every trivial detail of your life on a public platform. I agree with him to an extent considering I’m just as guarded about posting stuff online. Yesterday, for instance, I took down a story because M insisted it was showing D in bad light. I thought it was a funny post – irreverent but funny, nonetheless- about D’s sleepless nights but M said I was being harsh on D and it’s not ok to complain about our kid like that. Had a major argument with him and eventually deleted the story.

By now, it’s well established that Instagram holds an unswerving power over our relationship. Especially now that we’re in different cities temporarily, the stress gets to us: to me, more than anyone else. And I’m already plotting sweet revenge when I get back to Hyderabad: determined to go out and explore the city alone while leaving D with M all day. Anyway, the question is: why am I on Instagram?

The answers are multi layered. For one, I like the Instagram community, now that I’m a mom. Earlier I’d just post travel pictures and get on with my life. But now, I’ve discovered Instagram moms! I follow a lot of them for their absolute honesty, humour and no nonsense approach to parenting, for keeping it real, for normalising a lot of things like breastfeeding, postpartum depression and the hellhole that motherhood is, at times. No judgments. I also follow moms for book reccos, fun activities, toddler food ideas, and so on. More than anything there’s a sense of camaraderie, a feeling that we’re all in this together, our experiences matter and the anger, rage, irritation we feel as mothers is normal.

Secondly, I don’t have many mom friends. And I live in a quiet part of town that’s very far from where a couple of my only friends in the city live. I do not have friends in the building I live in or in the vicinity. So it’s a rather lonely journey with me staying holed up with D all day long in the flat except for walks in the park in the morning and evening. Instagram on the other hand is home to plenty of moms, most of whom I want to connect with and be friends with in real life. So I live in that little bubble when I’m home, exhausted and a little lonely.

Do I want to document my journey and D’s on Instagram? Not really. I quite enjoy sharing snippets every now and then but I’m not comfortable with the idea of flooding my page with personal photos. I used to deride moms who can’t stop sharing pics of their little ones but I kind of get where they come from, and I enjoy reading their posts so it’s all cool. Instagram captions are the new blogs, it seems like. I’m still pretty old fashioned though and prefer writing long winding articles here to posting lengthy Instagram captions. This is my safe space.

Why do I spend so much time on Instagram? The response to this is plain boring: i cannot leave D alone even when she’s asleep ( here our bedroom is upstairs so I have to be with her) during the day or night. By now you know that my little peanut hates sleeping and i have to draw the curtains to make the room pitch dark. It’s too dark to read a book. So my phone is my friend! Instagram to the rescue. Or Netflix on mute with subtitles.

One of my favourite things about Instagram is that it has helped me discover some fabulous indie brands – be it fashion, beauty, kids clothes, toys, books, home decor, food, recipes , you get the drift. It’s like Pinterest, Amazon and Facebook rolled into one. I’ll share some of my favourite Instagram brands in another post. Plus I’ve been following a lot of accounts related to fitness, food, home decor and parenting that inspire me and give me hope.

I am prone to jealousy but by and large, this community doesn’t stir up too many negative emotions nor do I feel the pressure to keep up. I look at these Instagram accounts and pages as free tools to learn new things, seek inspiration and get better. I even got interesting work opportunities thanks to the platform, so while I have toyed with the idea of deactivating my account I don’t see the need for it. On good days, I share the joy I experience and on bad days, I seek validation and support. Doesn’t seem like a bad deal at all.

Pet peeves 4: Friends who are ‘busy’

People, especially friends, who do not return a phone call or respond to a message deserve a special kind of hell. It puts me in that grey zone where I’m suddenly not sure what page I’m on with said person. It has happened to me so many times over the last year that sometimes I wonder if it’s worth clinging on to certain friendships or relationships.

For instance, I usually call my friends to wish them on their birthday, and if they’re busy or don’t respond immediately, I drop them a message. Now, how difficult is it really to reply to a Whatsapp message? A mere ‘thank you’ won’t hurt, right? But I’m met with deafening silence for days, weeks, even months, sometimes. And suddenly the person emerges out of thin air pretending that all is all, and being the frightfully prompt person that I am, I respond at once, although a part of me nudges me to play it cool and ignore the person for a while.

Last year, for example, I’d been trying to contact a friend who I am close to; called her some four times over a span of 3 months. No response. Not even a text explaining why she couldn’t take the call or what she’s been up to. Then she shows up in my city for a wedding and decides we must catch up, and when I bring to her notice that I’d called her and texted her, she just shrugs and says, ‘oh really?’. And then lame excuses start coming up: ‘I was unwell’, ‘I was busy’; and the issue is eventually sidestepped in an attempt to keep the conversation going.

I have taken calls and responded to mails and messages right after my surgery once I was shifted from the ICU, and even when I was in the thick of clinical depression a few years ago, I would be prompt with people. Which is why it’s hard for me to comprehend why some people are the way they are.

I do not particularly think these friends hate me or that they don’t value my time and friendship, but I guess it’s how they are as people – they tend not to make a big deal of it if a call is not returned or a message is not replied to. Being the Type A person that I am, I like to get down to it as soon as I can, not just because it’s basic courtesy, but also because I genuinely enjoy these interactions and love these people; so no matter how busy I am, I’ll make time for it because it’s a priority for me.

But I’m aware that not everyone is wired that way; most of my friends struggle with time management and sorting out their priorities, so they can be all over the place, thanks to poor planning. So while I set apart time to catch a dinner with friends after a ten-hour work day and a 3-hour daily commute (this was back in Delhi), make breakfast, pack our lunches, attend press conferences and what not, some of my friends complain about how long and tiring their day has been when they’ve only worked five hours at an office that’s probably ten minutes away from home. And their low threshold for ‘busy-ness’ and ‘tiredness’ gets to me; makes me want to shake them up and say, you’ve got to push yourself a bit more man!

My blood would boil when I see their barrage of posts on social media – Facebook and Instagram, specifically; well, how about returning that call or replying to that message? Suddenly you’re not so busy? Yeah, I’m probably psychotic about this.

I’m torn between calling them out on this shit and evading it for the sake of friendship. I do taunt them occasionally but I’m careful to keep it lighthearted because I don’t want to come across as an emo drama queen who’s touchy about trivial things. How do you deal with situations like these?

 

How to get to your Beyonce – 1

I came across the above picture here, and it spoke to me. Now I’m no fan of Beyonce and I actually liked Destiny’s Child back then. But it kind of puts my life in perspective. I’ve had my lows and highs, and I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the struggles that millions of people endure every day. Yet, it has left a mark on me; it’s part of who I am, and who I want to be. It has also made me more self-aware and conscious of my moods, thoughts and feelings – what makes me happy, sad, angry, upset, excited, irritable, and so on. So here are a bunch of fresh insights that I have gathered over the last few weeks.

Social media:

I’d be lying if I said that people’s behaviour on social media does not affect me. Every time I see a new album full of air-brushed images of a place they’ve been to (it’s practically their backyard, for all you know), with long pretentious write-ups and unimaginative captions thrown around, I burn deep inside. But today, my friend’s mom had a refreshing take on this, and I’m sharing her message here:

“Among the many excellent uses of Facebook, I wonder if anyone has considered the ‘bhavsagar taran’ aspect. I think FB has the potential of liberating us from the relentless cycle of death and rebirth by letting us also live the lives of so many of our friends doing wonderful stuff. Why should I hanker to travel here, climb there, eat this or that, see wondrous sights when it is all being done and described for me? I feel most gratified by the daily celebration of life as found on FB, and feel relieved to tick one more item off my wish list…because I know how it feels, now. Thanks, friends, for sharing your moments and making life replete and whole. I hope we are all assisting each other in the process of achieving liberation from earthly desires.”

And she was not being sarcastic. This is the kind of positivity she exudes. So here’s the deal: when people share their happy moments on Facebook, they are (most of them at least) not trying to mock your life or show off their awesomeness. I believe that it has to do with a natural human tendency to share happiness and good news. It strengthens relationships and brings people closer. It’s not about you. So, let them post their vacation pictures in peace.

Saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’

I’m one of those people who can’t say No. If a friend wants to meet or if someone asks me a favour, I usually hesitate a bit, if I don’t want to do it, but eventually convince myself that I have to do it. Just because I can and I should. Also because they asked, and you’ll hurt their feelings if you said No.

Today, I think I may have stood up a friend who demanded I meet him for lunch. I had no intention of going and I politely told him I have work. But he insisted, so I said I’ll try. And then I ignored his calls. Which is something I usually don’t do, but in this case, I had to resort to the extreme step of ignoring his calls. And the thing is, I do not feel guilty at all. Simply because this has happened way too many times, and every single time, I have said Yes when I should have said No, and later regretted it. So I’m relaxed now; it’s okay if I may have unintentionally burnt a bridge. I never needed to get to the other side anyway.

I have also had difficulty saying Yes to many things. Like, a new adventure, a new hobby, a new assignment, a fun party with people I do not know, a bowl of salad, an extra round of cardio. Why? Because I wasn’t confident enough to pull these things off. I thought people would find me boring, or I would suck at a new hobby or assignment, or I’d be too scared to take up a new adventure. But surprisingly, I have been proven wrong on all the above instances.

I went zip-lining and hot air ballooning in Rajasthan and loved the adrenaline rush – I’m now looking forward to going white water rafting in the Ganges. I tried my hand at painting a mug recently and realised I wasn’t bad. I thought I’d be terrible at cooking but I’m a proud, confident amateur home cook now, and I’m at this stage in life where baking has become a favourite hobby. I thought I did not have it in me to do magazine-style travel writing but it’s one of the many things I’m doing these days to make a living, and editors have appreciated my writing style and ideas. And it’s only because I took a chance with people that I found M, the absolute love of my life, and it’s also how I made new friends in this new city, which has been my home now for over a year. Random plans and parties. Open bar. Open mind.

So, I’m getting to a point where I kind of know when to say Yes and when to say No, and I use it at every opportunity. Takes a big load off your chest, trust me.

People are just like you and me

I don’t mean that in a homogenising way; of course, each of us has our own individuality. But fundamentally, most people fear the same things you do. Scared of flying? So are millions of people, most of whom are frequent flyers. Have a weird fetish? There are possibly plenty of others who have their own quirks, and are as uncomfortable about it as you are. Worried about coming across as a bore at a party where you don’t know half the people? You are not alone. It’s probably how everyone else is feeling too; they probably don’t know half the people at the party, they don’t know what they’re doing there or how to approach a stranger, what to talk about. Yet, we all try. We make an effort. And we fail. We also discover amazing people, create great opportunities and enrich our lives, in the process. We are all novices at this game.

Most people also like the same things you do. Enjoy travelling? Scores of people would be genuinely interested in your stories. Like music? Great! You’ll have plenty of music-filled evenings to look forward to. It’s not all that difficult to interact with people once you find commonalities. It builds empathy, and it is key to building relationships that last.

It also makes you feel like an equal, because you don’t have to feel inferior to someone else just because they have a better lifestyle or a successful career. You’ll never know what their problems and struggles are; you’ll never know what they lost to get to where they are. They are perhaps lonely, or have a huge debt. So instead of judging people and having preconceived notions about them, approach them with genuine interest and curiosity; you’ll be surprised at how well they respond to you, and how relieved and happy they will feel that you chose to initiate a conversation with them. This is, of course, going to make you feel happier and more confident too. Treat every situation as if it were net practice, It’s okay if you screw it up. Everyone has good days and bad days.

And it’s okay if they don’t share your interest or your views. One of my learnings, ever since I left college, has been that you don’t even have to be on the same wavelength as your friend. And no, you don’t have to be ardent GOT fans either, or bond over your love for Hugh Jackman’s abs. After a point in life, to make genuine, lasting friendships, you simply need empathy and an open mind. Most importantly, you need to love yourself. More on that later.

This is turning out to be a super long post. You know what that means right? Yeah, Part-2 coming your way soon, whether you like it or not.

Facebook detox

It’s been three days since I deactivated my Facebook account, and I’m surprised my life is not falling apart. I needed a break mostly because I felt I was going overboard with my social media obsession. It wasn’t too bad really, but well, one ought to take a break from these distractions once in a while. My blog and Instagram (please please follow me!) have kind of filled the void that Facebook had left. But I know that I will grow out of Instagram in a few weeks or months. At least I’m hoping I do, before M decides I need an intervention. Facebook brings out the pretentiousness in people, I guess; I see some of the posts/status updates that my friends share sometimes, and I wonder if I ever know them at all. Because they say things to sound cool. Things that will get them ‘likes’ and comments. I may be guilty as charged too. May be. So life without Facebook is pretty darn good. And in the worst case scenario, I can always reactivate my account. That is re-assuring.