I’m plagued by crippling self-doubt of late. I’m struggling to settle in the new city, and chart out a routine that works. And as many of you know, routine makes me happy. Plus, my writing is beginning to suck too. I used to think that ideation and good story-telling were my strengths, but after reading several amazing articles online on food and travel, I feel like I’ve probably been wrong all along. So I’m sulking in my apartment, questioning all my life choices that have led to this moment, and wondering if I’ll ever get my mojo back. Yeah, I have a lot of free time these days; I’d have lapped it up on normal circumstances, but god, free time can be a curse when you don’t have a steady stream of work to do, and you’re in a new city with no friends in the neighbourhood.
This is a peculiar problem for me, because usually I’m quick to adapt, find interesting work and manage my time rather efficiently. But there’s a melancholic undertone to my everyday life here, much like that of a protagonist in an Orhan Pamuk novel; my enthusiasm has dipped, my social life is just me taking myself out for a walk in the park in my complex, and I’ve gotten past entire days without speaking a word. Except to M, before and after his office hours. Sometimes I talk to myself, out loud. It’s bizarre, but hey, it helps.
I know I’m not depressed or anything, but I’m lacking in focus and clarity, particularly regarding my work. Should I start something of my own? But what? Food, music and travel are definitely areas that I want to focus on, but do I simply go on writing or do something real, more concrete? And if I were to continue writing, do I take up a full-time role as earlier or do I work independently? The answers elude me. But every time I read a great article or stumble upon an interesting business idea, I’m immediately thrilled at the very fact that these things exist. That it is possible. It’s inspiring, humbling, and I feel a wave of positive energy sweeping over me…but slowly, doubt starts creeping in. Do I have what it takes? Can I do this? Will it be as good or better than what’s out there already?
A reasonable level of self-doubt is good, healthy even. It keeps you grounded, it’s realistic, practical, and paves the way for constructive solutions. So, in a way, I’ve learned to embrace my self-doubt, and make it my friend. Given that I am always overthinking and over-analyzing every damn thing, making a decision is a long, winding, painful process. Don’t ask, it runs in the family. But I’ve realised that it’s okay to take your time, it’s okay to question yourself, doubt your skills, as long as you act on it. You’re never going to be fully ready at any given point of time, so take the plunge and just do it. In my case, just write more, continue pitching to publications I love, get out more, unearth unusual stories and work on my own mini projects. Stay inspired.
And I’m back again after another unintended hiatus. I’m working on not feeling guilty all the time, so I’m going to skip the part where I say I’m sorry etc, and get straight to this list, so it’s easier to catch up on my supremely interesting (NOT) life.
I have a love-hate relationship with my job, as with most things in life. I’m with a travel magazine as associate editor these days; while it’s fun, I’m gutted that I don’t get to boss around, because I was hoping I wouldn’t have to work much once I reach a particular level. But then, this is a small team, and I’m new to the workplace, plus I’d rather suffer and cuss and get the job done rather than turn it down or delegate it.
What I hate the most about full-time work in an office is that you have to constantly take instructions from all sorts of folks and the most gut-wrenching part is asking for permission if you want to take off and go on a holiday. And if your boss is the kind who’d ask you to cut short your leave or change your dates or worse still not approve your leave, it’s hell. If I’m the boss, I’d let people take holidays and travel, provided they let me know in advance. Someone give me a medal already.
Working with a friend is not the best idea especially if said friend is one level up in the office hierarchy and you work in the same team. It skews your relationship, and it’s awkward having to report to the friend in question. Besides, you can’t even call his bluff because you’re new and you look at all the mess and go, “But I’m learning.” Also, largely because you can’t get yourself to say NO.
I’m most keenly aware about my anxiety, which is a good sign, given that I was hiding from it all this while. I get overwhelmed just thinking of everything that I have to do, be it work or personal. The other day I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t get around to the fact that I was inundated with so much work; I was burnt out, overworked and needed a break. I was so sick from all the crying the next day that I couldn’t even make it to work, which meant I had to make up for the lost day and also catch up on new work that was beginning to pile up. Plus I got my period the next day, which sort of explained why I was crying so much? Phew!
I am having difficulty with trying to approach work as separate from my personal life. In a lot of ways, it becomes an integral part of my personality, I may not define myself by the work I do, but at some level, it’s always there.
I hate it when people call themselves workaholics. I can’t stand people who go on about how busy they are and how they have absolutely no time to even check a message or listen to a song on the radio. I’m the opposite of workaholic; no matter how much I love my job, I can’t sacrifice my holidays and weekends to slog my ass off. I would have been up for it a few years ago, but now, call me unambitious but I’d much rather chill with friends or have a quiet evening at home than do a travel assignment. I’ve become very particular about having weekends and holidays for myself, and unless it’s an emergency, I can’t work. Clearly, as you might have guessed, it doesn’t work that way, because companies and bosses want you to work all the time. So I have in fact worked most weekends ever since I joined. I’m hoping things change for the better.
I’ve realised that all I want is a simple life. At the same time, I’m proud of how far I’ve come, professionally and personally. I wanted to be an assistant or chief sub editor at least by the time I hit 30, and I’m super glad that I’ve bagged a role that’s several levels above the target I’d set for myself. But then, this has also made me realise that I value my personal life and happiness and sanity much much more than any professional growth. Honestly, I’d be happy to just work whenever I feel like and make money , like solid substantial money. But that comes with its own set of risks too, which would make me feel anxious and useless. So it’s hard to tell really. Is it possible to have an easy stress-free life and a full-time job that pays well? You can to a certain extent but eventually, one of the two suffers. Although on some days, I want to screw everything and just bake in the kitchen
I’ve become terribly fond of dogs, we feed a few strays and let them chill at our place. I can even have full-length conversations with them. My new friend is this adorable little pup called Kutty; she loves our bean bag and she runs straight into the bedroom and jumps on it every time she’s here. Also,she’s super naughty and is singularly responsible for shredding our bamboo magazine case to pieces.
Life as a freelance journalist has been pretty good. I am involved in at least three long-term projects, apart from occasional one-off contributions to magazines and portals, so there is a steady stream of work at the moment. Yet some opportunities elude me. And I feel like I should be doing more. Most importantly, charging more.
So while I’m constantly on the lookout for new and exciting writing gigs, I’m also working on my negotiation game. Earlier, I’d simply take up any task without even having a discussion about pay, because for some reason it seemed really rude and petty to talk about pay. I’ve realised now that it’s incredibly stupid to not negotiate your pay. I’ve been in three full-time jobs that lasted a total of 6 years, and every single time I simply said OK whenever I received the offer letter, despite knowing that I should have been paid a lot more.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m ambitious as hell, although I may not openly brag about my work or my plans. And I’m not one of those people who believe that passion is more important than money. I need the money, and I’m willing to work my ass off, but how do I promote my work in this incoherent world where ‘likes’, ‘follows’ and ‘retweets’ determine your worth as a writer?
I’m hardly on Twitter and I strictly don’t publicize my work on Facebook, because it’s kind of shallow really. Yet, I see my social media feed flooded with posts from hiring agencies saying they are looking for writers and bloggers who have x number of followers or y number of likes. Clearly, in their obsession with ‘reach’, employers fail to consider talent; most of them don’t even have an eye for good writing. Which is tragic. You only have to read all these so-called viral posts to understand that people don’t give a shit about quality.
It is great that technology has made news more accessible, but that shouldn’t happen at the cost of good writing. This has led to an overall environment of mediocrity, and you are judged by how quickly you can turn in a 500-word article, how many people read it and share it. Not how well you write. Not how interesting and authentic your story is. We need to look at social media as an enabler, not as a junkyard where average ideas and posts are highlighted; basically, the end-goal should not be about merely diverting traffic, but about putting out quality ‘content’.
Sadly, this is not the case. Why? Because there are agencies/companies that have the audacity to pay prospective content writers outrageously ridiculous rates – like this guy who posted on a Facebook group saying he’s looking for a quality content writer and the pay will be 10 paise per word. So essentially, if you are writing a 500-word article, you, my friend, will hopefully take home a princely sum of Rs.50. I’m not making this up. But you know what’s even more shocking? The fact that at least 20 people replied to the thread with their email ids saying they were interested. What in the world is happening here? Clearly, this explains the dismal state of online/content writing.
Which is why it’s so important to choose who you are working with. Thankfully, I’ve been lucky enough to be associated with sensible people who understand the importance of a good article and offer thoughtful feedback. Being a freelancer is kind of like running your own business, a photographer friend once told me. And it’s absolutely true. You need to create your own brand by associating yourself with people you look up to. People who understand your worth and pay you reasonably.
A lot of folks out there will use the start-up excuse to tell you that they can’t pay you for your work; if you value your time and work, you’ll politely refuse to write for free. Also, I’ve realised that it’s okay to charge more for your work – as long as it’s sensible and not some insane astronomical figure – rather than take up low-paying jobs that make you feel sick. It’s okay if you lose prospective clients because your charges are higher than the minuscule rates they offer. In fact, you are better off not wasting your time on these pointless gigs. You are your own boss, so maybe it’s time you acted like one.
Somehow, writing is not considered a skill, the same way coding or sales is. So everyone thinks he/she can write. How bad can that be, you ask? Well, the internet is proof enough right? The amount of absolute garbage posted by people who call themselves ‘content writers’ is unbelievable. It makes me cringe. But somehow these guys seem to be proudly promoting their work online, without a tinge of embarrassment. Clearly, if you offer someone Rs100 for an article, you cannot and should not expect good work. This is a vicious cycle, because the really good writers tend to steer clear of such jobs, because they know better than to work for 50 paise a word, and suddenly they realize that there is no ‘market’ as such for the good writers, since most companies don’t believe in paying them well.
I don’t understand how good content writing can be quantified in terms of ‘likes’ and ‘shares’. I wish things were simpler and more straight-forward. As much as I’m all for digitization, I also believe that good writing needs to be upheld; it’s thriving in smaller, lesser-known niches but as long as people consume shit, more epic shit will be thrust at them. But then maybe it’s time for the mediocre writers to shine.
Sometimes, M goes the extra mile to make me smile; I needed this that day:) Creepy smiley bread trumps inane compliments any day
Today’s post is about my favourite thing to whine about. Which is this: I do not get enough compliments, I do not get the credit I deserve. And I understand that I’m not the only one who feels that way. The world is full of sad, lonely, angsty, miserable people who think they are unrecognised geniuses. So if you are with me on this, say Aye.
Why is it so difficult to give compliments? And by that I don’t mean, oh you look so pretty today, that’s a beautiful dress, and stuff like that. But how many times have you felt that your work has not been acknowledged or appreciated? You’ve written a great article, baked a yummilicious brownie, or done someone a massive favour. Yet, somehow, the person who’s written the mediocre article is celebrated; the girl who served you a half-baked characterless brownie is praised for her amazing skills in the kitchen; the person who did nothing but talk stud-like is thanked for the help he did not do. And suddenly, you become invisible. It’s like you are a ghost, because clearly you don’t need a Harvard degree to see that you are more deserving. So then, why are you not given credit, while someone with below average skills is made to feel so bloody special?
I wish I had the answers. But I have the next best thing – theories. My belief is that the way you project yourself decides the way others perceive you. So if you are self-assured, if you are super confident and make noise about even the little things you do, people will appreciate you even if you are not good. And they may not even think you deserve the compliment, but they’ll give it anyway, just so their backs can also be scratched when the time is right. It’s shallow, superficial and depressing. But, when they want real quality work done or need expert advice on something, they will come crawling to YOU, and not to the person whose ass they licked just a while ago. Human behaviour is ridiculous.
Does that mean you are taken advantage of? Well, let’s see. My first boss in a media company I started my journalism career with was a bit weird. Of course, I did not realise it then because I was new and thought that perhaps this is how it is everywhere. Anyway, she never used to appreciate my work in front of the team, but would always send it as a message or a mail. I could see that she had faith in me and that she was really proud of my work. I’ve always respected her as a writer and a boss, despite a number of differences which eventually led me to block her a year ago. Well, that escalated quickly, I can hear you say. Ah, the voices in my head.
So one day, she felt bad and told me that she’s not okay with praising my work in front of the team because the others would be offended and might think she was being biased. I found it strange because I have seen her dole out undeserved praise to some of my colleagues who were not as good as me; at least two of these colleagues were notorious in the team for playing dirty politics, sabotaging people’s careers and generally being bitches. That’s when it occurred to me that it is possible that for some warped reason, my boss feared these people. She was perhaps scared that they might create a ruckus, raise hell and screw her happiness. Or maybe they came across as needy. Well, it’s a very complex situation and you had to be there to understand the toxic dynamics that unfolded in that office.
M tells me all the time that it’s stupid to expect credit from people, because sometimes they give you backhanded compliments; they don’t acknowledge your work because they are insecure, and they want to belittle your importance. Even when I cook something nice for him (clearly, this cooking thing has become a touchy subject for me – I’m turning into my mother. *shudder) I ask him how the food is and then complain that he should tell me it’s good (if it is actually good, that is) even without me asking him. And then he launches into this gag where he compliments the water, the store-bought bread and so on. Which gets to me. But I do see his point. Which is this: you don’t have to drum roll your achievements, or expect credit from people all the time; do a great job, be self-assured and people will know you are awesome, even though they may not say it. In any case, why would you care so much about what people think of you? So, M doesn’t believe in this culture of ‘giving credit’ or compliments.
However, my problem is that I tend to compensate for my lack of confidence and self-assurance by seeking validation from people – I know I have talents and I know what I’m good at, but I want reaffirmation in the form of compliments. So my blood boils when I see people with mediocre skills and ideas being celebrated.
Another reason why I think people get complimented for their non-existent skills is that they are among people they love. When you love someone – be it friends or family – you think they are the best at everything they do. I once visited a friend whose parents had put up this lovely plaque in her room proudly proclaiming that she is the world’s best journalist. That is ridiculously sweet and at that moment, I wished they would adopt me. Anyway, on the other hand, I still struggle (like I had been since I was 5) to impress my parents and family; nothing I ever do is good enough. So I have kind of whined my way through life, all the while feeling weird and misunderstood. I’m surprised I even have friends!
This has been one long, rambly post but I had to get it out of the way; there’s something about pouring your feelings on a blank document. You just don’t know where to stop. I might have revealed more than I intended to, but it’s okay. It might resonate with some readers, hopefully. Also, I promise not to write a whiny post. Ever. Okay, once a month, maybe?
PS: Wanted to pep up my WordPress page, hence the new theme. The old one looked pale and gloomy, but somehow I miss it.
Store-bought salad for days when I don’t feel like cooking
I wish I did not have to cook every single day.
Don’t get me wrong. I love cooking. I think it’s both creative and scientific at the same time, and I absolutely enjoy the process of creating new flavours from scratch. I’m pretty good at it too, if I may say so myself. Also, I guess it’s a survival skill that every human being must learn. M does, and we both play the roles of chef and sous chef interchangeably in the kitchen. So this is not about patriarchy or domestication of women. No, I’m not even taking that direction with this. At least, not in my case.
Also, this is not about balancing career and household and hence, not having the time to cook. Nope. Not having the time to do something is the lamest excuse one can come up with. If you have the inclination, you will find the time and the means to do it.
Yet, cooking three meals a day every single day is a pain in the ass. Added to that is the agony of chopping, cooking, cleaning and washing after every single meal. Which is why I stock my kitchen with partly cooked store-bought food that doesn’t require effort – ready-to-eat idiyappams that you simply soak in boiled water for 2 minutes (such a revelation), coconut milk, Knorr soup packets, dosa batter, frozen rotis, ready-to-bake lasagne sheets, Dr Oetker cake and dessert mixes and lots of instant noodles. For lazy days when the very sight of the kitchen makes you sick.
Another thing that I sometimes do is make plenty of food when I’m in a mood to cook, store it in the fridge so we can easily manage with it for 2-3 days. There’s nothing like coming back home after a long tiring day and finding an insane variety of home-cooked food in the refrigerator.
There’s another aspect to this. M is the most non-fussy person in the world, so he is not the type who would demand packed lunches and piping hot dinner, and he’s more than happy to cook or order in from a restaurant. But being the Type A person that I am, I HAVE to do it even if I’m pressed for time or even if I do not feel like it. I have to be superwoman. I have to be this person who works, cooks, cleans, parties, and does every damn thing on her own. It’s pissing off. I want to take it easy. I really do. But if I do, I feel useless. So I push myself even more.
It’s for the same reason that I cannot call a day ‘productive’ if I just spend it reading a book or catching a movie. No way. To me ‘productivity’ is linked to how much actual work I have done – the rest are just rewards that I ‘earn’ for finishing my real work. It’s not the best way to look at it, I know. Because it is pissing off. I wish I were a cool, self-assured person. I wish I did not have to tie my self-worth to petty things like chores and work. Or feel guilty for no reason.
I envy people who can simply say: No, I did not do this today because I did not feel like, in a completely non-apologetic tone. I envy people who treat themselves with so much love, reward themselves all the time and do not let their work or skills define them. Why can’t I lounge all day without a care in the world, put up a ‘I’m on holiday’ plaque, close the kitchen, shut down my laptop and mobile phone, read a frikking book or listen to music, and feel like a million bucks? And feel like I deserve that treatment. Without a pang of guilt. Why can’t I do it for my own self and feel like it was the most productive day of my entire life?
Paperback writer 