What’s holding me back

I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I’m hesitant to share my work (and my blog) on social media platforms, for instance. Pinned it down to a bunch of things that in turn snowballed into larger issues begging the question: what’s holding me back? Join me in this fun (NOT) exercise as I try and unravel the workings of my chaotic mind.

– My blog is very personal and I like the anonymity that the blogging world offers. I do not want random folks plus family and colleagues I follow on social media to make judgements about me and my journey or know too much about me.

– I’ve reconciled to the fact that sharing one’s work on social media is not a bad idea at all. I like reading what others have posted, so I wouldn’t mind sharing what I’ve written. Except that, of late, my work is restricted to research-based writing and content writing which is not anything of much merit really. Average work with not much scope for creativity. Good money. Easy and stress free work. That’s my jam now, and will be this way till the offspring is another year or two older. But I’d definitely be doing some work of personal interest for magazines I love, and I’ll make sure to share them, because I really want people to read my work!

– When I was younger, I imagined a glorious career for myself, where I’d dabble in multiple things and even win awards. So I would be a journalist, writer, baker, an interior designer, a musician, throw the best parties, have an enviable wardrobe… basically, all Avenger characters rolled into one. Now I look back at that dream and I go LOL. But funnily enough, all these are areas I love, and I still think about foraying into some of these streams. For instance, I enjoy cooking and baking, and have toyed with the idea of hosting intimate dinners for small groups of travelers (Eatwith) or at least taking small orders in the community I live in. Why don’t I do it then?

– I tend to overthink everything. Weigh in pros and cons to the point where making a decision becomes impossible.

– I’m scared it’ll bomb. Or that I won’t be able to handle it.

– I do not have any idea how to start, what the nitty-gritties are, how to put myself out there.

– I’m worried that the stress will destroy any joy that I derive out of doing said activity.

– I used to pride myself on being a doer and not a talker but I need to call myself out on that one. I don’t seem to be doing what it takes to get to where I want.

– I am torn between making money and doing something meaningful. It’s getting harder to strike a balance because meaningful work , creative work that you love and want to do, may not make much financial sense. Even with the baking and the cooking, if I were to turn it into a business, I’d struggle to even break even.

– Solution: Start small, let it be your little side hustle, in addition to doing that thing that gets you money.

– Makes sense all right? But there’s a baby on board now and not enough time or help in hand. So it can wait. And that, my friends, is how I sabotage my own plans.

Let me tell you though that mom guilt is real. I’ll be sitting and working at home in the next room and already feeling bad and guilty that my mom has to run around with D. Trust me, she loves it and there’s nothing else she’d rather do. And it’s only for a few hours; yet, I feel bad. I guess working in an office is perhaps a better idea, so you focus on work, without interruptions such as being called to help clean baby, change diaper, watch her like a hawk when she saunters into your makeshift work space, nurse her, try putting her to sleep and so on. This is also why work seems to go on forever. Because I can’t work even for 30 minutes without a squishy cutie wanting to smash my keyboard.

I guess, Apna time aayega ( can’t believe I typed a Hindi phrase). My time to shine will come. I jut need to have hope, patience and a concrete plan. Plus a bit of courage and confidence doesn’t hurt.