You are enough

I’m going through an identity crisis of sorts. I spend my whole day and most of the night with D – nursing her, playing with her, lying next to her when she’s asleep, and I currently do not have the inclination or the time to work. So my career is essentially non existent. This is not such a bad thing because I only look at it as a temporary break. I have much bigger priorities than slogging my ass off and making some money. Im raising a baby girl and it is hard work; it’s fun yes, but it’s also a lot of work, and is the single most important thing at the moment.

I fully understand that this is a choice I made whole heartedly – the staying at home till D is old enough part. Yet, I cannot seem to shake off the feeling that something’s amiss; I want to be more than a stay at home mom, you know what I mean? Sure I run the home, nourish my child and I’m happy doing that. But is that all there is to me? When I was in my early twenties, I had a fire burning within me, a drive, to be the best at what I set out to do. I had good grades, I worked hard, got great feedback from bosses, colleagues, professors and some of my readers and I was confident I’d make it big. I could sense that I had potential, that I had it in me to do exceedingly well at work.

And just as things were beginning to work out and better opportunities promising more money and more exciting work came knocking at my door, I happened to be in a different place. I had to move to Jaipur to be with M and while it’s what I’d wanted ever since we got serious about each other, the circumstances under which I had to do it were just too traumatic and I literally threw away my career to just be with him. I did not regret it then but it kind of set the tone for a different career trajectory, one that involved a few breaks, experiments with freelancing, unfulfilling stints (moneywise) at leading national media houses, unfair appraisals and while the quality of my work was just as good, I found that I was becoming invisible and hitting dead ends and blindspots.

So I keep beating myself over the fact that I haven’t quite made it and I’m disappointed in myself for not reaching my potential. In fact, I worry that my whole family is disappointed in me for forgoing my career. And there’s the possibility that if I’m not in the market for long, I’ll be forgotten and will have to start from scratch once I resume work full time. My sense of worth has taken a beating and I wish it wasn’t tied to things like work and career. I’m constantly seeking to be more than what i am; while I used to think it would push me to be a better person, I see how counterproductive that exercise can really be. Maybe I’m enough, just maybe. Now hold that thought.