Resilience has been my forte. I always thought of it as one of my strengths, given that I rise after every fall, pick up all the broken pieces and start afresh, every single time. Except that now I’m drained out. Exhausted. I have been doing this for way too long, and now I want life to be easy.
I’m a bit worried about my erratic mood swings – nope, I’m not PMS-ing, and I’m not pregnant. I used to be very good at hiding my emotions, but these days, I just give in, and let them overwhelm me. I seem to have lost my grip over my feelings – love, hate, stress, happiness, sadness, anxiety, panic, regret, spite, envy, confidence, confusion, optimism – they all seem to collide at once, resulting in a giant muddled mess of nameless emotions that are difficult to read and make sense of. How did I let this happen to me? Is it depression, anxiety or am I just having a crappy day? I can’t tell anymore.
There’s no word for ‘depression’ or ‘anxiety’ in my mother tongue, Tamil. You could use the word ‘Manachorvu’ (lethargy) but it doesn’t do justice; ‘So-gam’ is sadness, and we know that depression and feeling sad are two different things. Which is why, where I come from, people do not understand depression, it’s not in our vocabulary. Depression is always considered a Western illness, something that affects rich white people; it’s an alien concept, much like Scandinavian cuisine in my hometown in coastal Tamil Nadu. Nobody would know what it is, but when they eat the food, they’ll tell you it’s just a fancy, overpriced version of the local fish curry. It’s a weird allegory, but I’m being lazy and hoping you get the drift.
So I stopped trying to talk to my folks about it; they’d simply tell me that everyone goes through a roller coaster of emotions, everyone has regrets, we all go through tough times, we feel sad, upset, angry. It’s normal. There’s no one to blame, you toss it and move on, it’s all behind you now. Which is great advice. But it’s not what I want to hear. And therein lies the problem. Because I want people to tell me what I want to hear. I think somewhere down the line, we have twisted what is simple and natural into something overly complicated.
I don’t even know if I’m depressed or anxious, so I’m fully aware that sometimes, I’m probably reading too much into my emotions and moods. The deeper I dig, the more I find that there is no reason for me to be sad at all. However, this Eureka moment happens only after I bring the roof down, burn some bridges and let the storm clouds pass. So the damage has already been done by the time realisation dawns.
The point is, I cannot use depression as an excuse for inactivity, I cannot blame anxiety for losing my cool. For instance, I haven’t gone on my evening walks for more than a week now; it’s something I look forward to, yet I have chosen to sulk at home instead of heading out. You could argue that depression makes even doing things you love difficult, so it’s all right. But no, I call it laziness. It’s stupid to not go out for an evening walk because you are busy crying over your perfectly normal life, when you know fully well that a walk in the park makes you happy. How twisted is that? I am willingly putting myself into misery, stopping myself from feeling better, and then I convince myself that it’s because I am depressed. It strikes me as odd.
M tells me to engage myself and I go livid. I tell him, you think I’m not trying? do you know how difficult it is? And so forth. After he talks to me and leaves for the day, I put on some music, I write, I cook, talk to friends, and surprise! I feel better. M’s simple advice helps me get through the day. I’m drama queen when I’m with him and the poor thing puts up with all my crap. So I tell myself that I must be happy and more stable, for his sake at least. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I just keep on trying, falling, rising and making a new start every single day.
It’s been a slow Monday. Woke up late, made myself some breakfast and coffee, watched a silly romantic comedy called ‘Love Happens’ starring Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston. I think Aaron Eckhart is hot in a strange way; also, he has dad bod, which is kind of sexy.
There’s Goan vegetable xacuti simmering in the kitchen; M is taking a nap after his early morning cycling trip with friends (and he’s off today. Yay), even as I’m playing 80s pop on my laptop (remember Cyndi Lauper?). I’d be completely okay if my life were this uneventful every single day.
Which makes this a perfect time to take off from where I stopped in my previous blog post.
Never compare
This is not easy, I agree. I constantly beat myself over the fact that I’m not as good as the next person, or as lucky as some people I know. But I’m trying to get out of this rut and have been partially successful in feeling better. The point is, as I had mentioned in an earlier post (Look at me, quoting myself), there will always be someone better than you; there will always be someone worse than you. Sure, you must try harder, push yourself some more and aim for the stars; but do it because you want to do it, not because you draw your self-worth from how well you are doing in life.
I’ve always tied my self-worth to my work, which I realise is kind of suicidal, because you are more than your work. With social media and shallow people all around who make even “mundane observations seem like grand discoveries” (to quote Chimamanda Adichie’s words in Americanah), you tend to feel pressurised all the time. Your life becomes all about trying to prove to people that you are smart, successful and right. I know this only too well, because right from childhood, my mom has been comparing my grades, behaviour, attitude, the way I look, dress etc with those of friends, family and neighbours. And it hasn’t stopped. Now it’s about babies, salaries, career, investments. I know I cannot change my mom’s toxic attitude (I’ve tried many times), but I do know that I can fine-tune my attitude so that I don’t let these negative thoughts hamper my happiness.
It’s also about learning to develop a thick skin, because you need it to shield yourself from shit people say. You need it, so you can take their statements with a pinch of salt, and not lose sleep over how offended you are. Offence and outrage are overrated, although the daily news seems to think otherwise. Focus on yourself, track your own progress, have a plan, work towards a goal, eat healthy, go for long walks, do more of what you love. Let the rest of the world shove its crap up its rear. It should cease to matter, because you are stronger and bigger than that, although you may be just a speck of microscopic dust in the universe. Perspective is important.
Let go of your past
This is particularly hard if you feel that you did not have the kind of life you think you deserved. Or if you (like me, and so many others) had to battle depression, low self esteem and an unsupportive family, since childhood. This is going to sound super corny but you can’t move forward if you keep looking at the rear view mirror. Does it make sense? I mean, reflecting over the past is essential, because there are always lessons to be learnt, mistakes to be rectified; but you need to toss the emotional baggage that comes with it. You don’t need it. You’ve dealt with it, it’s over now, and look at you, surviving and shit.
You also need to stop with the self-pity. Because it’s freakin’ annoying. There’s nothing more miserable than a grown man or woman wallowing in self pity over a past that seems to cast a shadow over your present. M, for instance, did not have a great childhood; his family was in debt and his dad did not have money to even pay the school fee. Problems with family over property and other things escalated the situation and his family was penniless. And M was a little school kid when all this happened. But they picked up the broken pieces and built up their lives brick by brick, one step at a time.
I cannot imagine the trauma and the complex that M, his brother and family would have gone through. Yet, M has a positive spin to the whole issue; which is to work super hard, be simple, happy people who are smart with money and not repeat some of the mistakes that his family had committed then. He has never once felt sorry for his past or wished he had a better life. Instead, he has built an awesome life for himself, and has let his past fuel his passion for life. I couldn’t have asked for a better role model. I’ve been lucky enough to have financial support in my school and college days, and I’m thankful that my parents ensured we had money for the things we wanted. Everyone has a past that we wish we hadn’t, but be thankful for it, because it has made you a better, stronger and happier person.
You can control your thoughts
I’m one of those people who always play out the worst possible scenarios in my head; of course, they are imaginary situations about people hurting me or saying something that makes me lash out at them. Obviously, it puts me in a bad mood. I’m crabby, hateful and full of spite when I’m playing out these situations. Why do I do that then? It’s not even real. It’s probably not likely to happen ever. Yet it’s a ‘habit’ that I have managed to grow out of, in parts, at least. How? By consciously making an effort NOT to think certain thoughts. By replacing negative emotions and disastrous thoughts with a happy, positive thought. Easier said than done? Not really. Of course, it requires some effort and self-awareness, but it takes practice. You can train your mind to think the way you want, instead of letting it go adrift on its own course. Which is a revelation. Because, now, every time, my mind tries to flip back some pages from my life or play out a hateful imaginary situation, I get alert and counter my mind with images of places I want to travel to, people I love, the kind of house I want for myself. It’s a healthy battle that goes on, and in the end, you win, simply because positivity and happiness can trump negativity any day.
Don’t be fake
We all have that one friend who can’t stop talking in a fake British or American accent, just so it makes them sound cool. (No, it doesn’t) Or the ones who pretend like they care about you deeply and are happy for your success, but back-stab you the moment you leave. Fakers gonna fake, because that’s what they do. I let it get to me, but I know that I shouldn’t. Because it’s really not about me, it’s about them, their insecurities. The best thing to do with them is to laugh about it, pull their leg or simply ignore it. Sometimes, it’s not at all advisable to sweat the small stuff. The important thing though is for you to stay true to yourself; there’s no need for you to stoop to their level and be someone you aren’t. Being genuine and honest is perhaps highly underrated, but absolutely essential. People will respect you for who you are, for the refreshing honesty and originality you bring to the table. You don’t have to be politically correct all the time; loosen up, yo. Your thought matters. Your opinions matter. So say it out loud and clear. And everyone will wish they were as honest. Trust me, it’s a good feeling.
Practise gratitude
I cannot stress the importance of this enough, because being grateful changes your mindset for the better. You learn to appreciate your life more, feel better about yourself and rejoice in little everyday victories. I sometimes read my entries in my diary on all the things I’m thankful for (I have been writing down at least 5 things every day, or on most days) and it always brings a smile on my face. I urge everyone to try this. Whenever you are down, you just have to go through your repository of things you are grateful and happy for, and it will fill you with this warm, fuzzy feeling, which is also known as happiness.
This has been one of the most unproductive weeks of my entire life, work-wise. Recovered from a terrible bout of cold and cough, and I’ve been incredibly lazy since then. I really do hope I regain my focus soon. And please tell me everyone goes through this phase! I’m feeling super guilty that I haven’t written a thing in two full weeks.
But on the brighter side, this lull has helped me enjoy the little things in life that I generally overlook because I’m always in a mad rush. Like this beautiful sunset from my balcony this evening.
Slowing down a bit really helps. Even the everyday mundane things begin to seem magical. The smell of boiling milk, the aroma of freshly brewed decoction, the pretty flowers and bougainvillea in my society, the sight of an airplane drifting through a glorious evening sky, the insane number of stars I get to see on some nights (Yes, Delhi is not such a bad place), the pleasant breeze in the evenings and mornings…If this were a movie, this would be the point where I realise I’m in love. But no, it’s not.
I think I’m more aware of myself, my people and surroundings now. How did I achieve that in one week? I believe it has to do with lack of stress. I thrive in a stressful environment, I like to be busy all the time, but I failed to see what it would be like to be stress-free, to keep negativity at bay and focus on good, happy things. And most importantly, to be grateful. For every damn thing. It makes you appreciate life so much more, I swear.
Another thing that has perhaps contributed to a slight change in my attitude is that I have made an effort to connect with my friends. And that does not mean Whatsapp or Facebook, but actually picking up the phone and talking to them. Saying ‘yes’ to parties. Being open to meeting new people. Being able to see people for who they really are without judging them. It can do wonders to your overall mood, trust me. That, and my obsession with brisk evening walks. Good coffee. Good food. And great sex. You don’t need much else, I tell you.
But knowing me, I can snap and go back to my old cynical, depressing ways any time. I’m just hoping I can sustain this spirit and make it better with every passing day.
Paperback writer 