It’s been a slow Monday. Woke up late, made myself some breakfast and coffee, watched a silly romantic comedy called ‘Love Happens’ starring Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston. I think Aaron Eckhart is hot in a strange way; also, he has dad bod, which is kind of sexy.
There’s Goan vegetable xacuti simmering in the kitchen; M is taking a nap after his early morning cycling trip with friends (and he’s off today. Yay), even as I’m playing 80s pop on my laptop (remember Cyndi Lauper?). I’d be completely okay if my life were this uneventful every single day.
Which makes this a perfect time to take off from where I stopped in my previous blog post.
Never compare
This is not easy, I agree. I constantly beat myself over the fact that I’m not as good as the next person, or as lucky as some people I know. But I’m trying to get out of this rut and have been partially successful in feeling better. The point is, as I had mentioned in an earlier post (Look at me, quoting myself), there will always be someone better than you; there will always be someone worse than you. Sure, you must try harder, push yourself some more and aim for the stars; but do it because you want to do it, not because you draw your self-worth from how well you are doing in life.
I’ve always tied my self-worth to my work, which I realise is kind of suicidal, because you are more than your work. With social media and shallow people all around who make even “mundane observations seem like grand discoveries” (to quote Chimamanda Adichie’s words in Americanah), you tend to feel pressurised all the time. Your life becomes all about trying to prove to people that you are smart, successful and right. I know this only too well, because right from childhood, my mom has been comparing my grades, behaviour, attitude, the way I look, dress etc with those of friends, family and neighbours. And it hasn’t stopped. Now it’s about babies, salaries, career, investments. I know I cannot change my mom’s toxic attitude (I’ve tried many times), but I do know that I can fine-tune my attitude so that I don’t let these negative thoughts hamper my happiness.
It’s also about learning to develop a thick skin, because you need it to shield yourself from shit people say. You need it, so you can take their statements with a pinch of salt, and not lose sleep over how offended you are. Offence and outrage are overrated, although the daily news seems to think otherwise. Focus on yourself, track your own progress, have a plan, work towards a goal, eat healthy, go for long walks, do more of what you love. Let the rest of the world shove its crap up its rear. It should cease to matter, because you are stronger and bigger than that, although you may be just a speck of microscopic dust in the universe. Perspective is important.
Let go of your past
This is particularly hard if you feel that you did not have the kind of life you think you deserved. Or if you (like me, and so many others) had to battle depression, low self esteem and an unsupportive family, since childhood. This is going to sound super corny but you can’t move forward if you keep looking at the rear view mirror. Does it make sense? I mean, reflecting over the past is essential, because there are always lessons to be learnt, mistakes to be rectified; but you need to toss the emotional baggage that comes with it. You don’t need it. You’ve dealt with it, it’s over now, and look at you, surviving and shit.
You also need to stop with the self-pity. Because it’s freakin’ annoying. There’s nothing more miserable than a grown man or woman wallowing in self pity over a past that seems to cast a shadow over your present. M, for instance, did not have a great childhood; his family was in debt and his dad did not have money to even pay the school fee. Problems with family over property and other things escalated the situation and his family was penniless. And M was a little school kid when all this happened. But they picked up the broken pieces and built up their lives brick by brick, one step at a time.
I cannot imagine the trauma and the complex that M, his brother and family would have gone through. Yet, M has a positive spin to the whole issue; which is to work super hard, be simple, happy people who are smart with money and not repeat some of the mistakes that his family had committed then. He has never once felt sorry for his past or wished he had a better life. Instead, he has built an awesome life for himself, and has let his past fuel his passion for life. I couldn’t have asked for a better role model. I’ve been lucky enough to have financial support in my school and college days, and I’m thankful that my parents ensured we had money for the things we wanted. Everyone has a past that we wish we hadn’t, but be thankful for it, because it has made you a better, stronger and happier person.
You can control your thoughts
I’m one of those people who always play out the worst possible scenarios in my head; of course, they are imaginary situations about people hurting me or saying something that makes me lash out at them. Obviously, it puts me in a bad mood. I’m crabby, hateful and full of spite when I’m playing out these situations. Why do I do that then? It’s not even real. It’s probably not likely to happen ever. Yet it’s a ‘habit’ that I have managed to grow out of, in parts, at least. How? By consciously making an effort NOT to think certain thoughts. By replacing negative emotions and disastrous thoughts with a happy, positive thought. Easier said than done? Not really. Of course, it requires some effort and self-awareness, but it takes practice. You can train your mind to think the way you want, instead of letting it go adrift on its own course. Which is a revelation. Because, now, every time, my mind tries to flip back some pages from my life or play out a hateful imaginary situation, I get alert and counter my mind with images of places I want to travel to, people I love, the kind of house I want for myself. It’s a healthy battle that goes on, and in the end, you win, simply because positivity and happiness can trump negativity any day.
Don’t be fake
We all have that one friend who can’t stop talking in a fake British or American accent, just so it makes them sound cool. (No, it doesn’t) Or the ones who pretend like they care about you deeply and are happy for your success, but back-stab you the moment you leave. Fakers gonna fake, because that’s what they do. I let it get to me, but I know that I shouldn’t. Because it’s really not about me, it’s about them, their insecurities. The best thing to do with them is to laugh about it, pull their leg or simply ignore it. Sometimes, it’s not at all advisable to sweat the small stuff. The important thing though is for you to stay true to yourself; there’s no need for you to stoop to their level and be someone you aren’t. Being genuine and honest is perhaps highly underrated, but absolutely essential. People will respect you for who you are, for the refreshing honesty and originality you bring to the table. You don’t have to be politically correct all the time; loosen up, yo. Your thought matters. Your opinions matter. So say it out loud and clear. And everyone will wish they were as honest. Trust me, it’s a good feeling.
Practise gratitude
I cannot stress the importance of this enough, because being grateful changes your mindset for the better. You learn to appreciate your life more, feel better about yourself and rejoice in little everyday victories. I sometimes read my entries in my diary on all the things I’m thankful for (I have been writing down at least 5 things every day, or on most days) and it always brings a smile on my face. I urge everyone to try this. Whenever you are down, you just have to go through your repository of things you are grateful and happy for, and it will fill you with this warm, fuzzy feeling, which is also known as happiness.
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