As I type this, I’m lying next to little D on our bed, exhausted and overwhelmed. We’ve both been up since 5.30 am ( and several times during the night) and all along I’d been desperately trying to put her back to sleep. No luck. She did fall asleep on my mother in law’s shoulder after much resistance only to wake up the moment she was put on the bed. Trust me, I was almost in tears!
It’s 1.20 pm now, and she’s finally sleeping. And I can’t tell you how relieved I am! It almost feels like I alternate between trying to put her to sleep when she’s awake and missing her just a wee bit when she finally does go to sleep; and wishing I were not so obsessed with sleep – both hers and mine.
Honestly, giving up sleep has been the hardest part of motherhood. That and a lack of routine, but mostly the sleep. Through my pregnancy I wished for an active and playful baby, and true to that, D is a little bundle of energy and such a delight. What I’d not accounted for was this would mean I had to be just as energetic and enthusiastic — improbable when I’ve had night after night of disrupted sleep and zero time for myself. So here’s a shocking confession: it makes me want to yell at D. Of course I don’t even have to explain that she’s my universe now and I love her to bits and all that jazz, but it happens. And nobody told me I’d be mad at a baby for not sleeping but there you have it.
I felt guilty as hell when I got agitated the first time, but every single mum I spoke to ( including mine and my grandma) said they’ve all been through it and it’s natural. Phew! I could breathe easy, after all. Of course I never really lose my cool at D or yell at her for that matter; whenever I feel that I cannot handle this anymore, I simply leave the room ( after ensuring D is in safe hands of course) and give myself a time out. I might watch TV for a bit, read or simply vent out to M or anyone else, and that little break –even if it’s only 10 minutes– helps.
It’s during these mini breaks that I have some epiphanies and I realise now that I’ve been unfairly complaining about my little D, about how she refuses to sleep and how exhausted I am. She is a baby! When she’s tired and extremely sleepy, it’s a breeze to put her to bed ( most of the time); the problem, on hindsight, is that I was/am expecting her to sleep because it’s simply convenient if she falls asleep at a certain time or when I’m tired or have something to do. That or I perhaps misread the signs. I start the process of putting her to sleep as soon as I notice what I think are signals – rubbing her eyes, yawning, squealing continuously, but I could be wrong. She’s perhaps bored or overstimulated and needs a change of scene. Maybe move to a different room or take her out in the stroller.
Believe me, it drives me nuts. This constant monitoring of a baby’s body language and ensuring her needs are met even as you’re trying to decipher what’s really on her mind. It is all-consuming for sure but also immensely rewarding; that adorable toothless grin makes it bearable, the fact that she’s learning new skills and reaching her milestones is enough validation that you’re doing something right. It’s also humbling, because there’s not much a baby needs to thrive – just food, sleep and love. As I look at my calm, sleeping baby, I realise it’s not that hard really; I just need to chill, and yes, definitely take a nap.
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